18. Act III Scene 1
The GUINEA-HEN, HENS, DUCKS,
etc.; the PHEASANT-HEN,
the BLACKBIRD,
later PATOU.
At the rise of the curtain, multitudinous clatter and confused swarming of HENS
and CHICKENS.
THE GUINEA-HEN [
Going impetuously from one to the other.] How do you do? How do you do?--There is scarcely room to move! My guests reach all the way to the cucumber patch!
CHORUS [
Up in the air.]
Busily buzzing--
THE GUINEA-HEN A regular crush!
A HEN [
Gazing at a row of huge pumpkins.] What attractive objects!
THE GUINEA-HEN Art pottery! Rather good of its kind, if I do say so!
A CHICK [
Listening with his bill in the air.] Singers?
THE GUINEA-HEN Yes,--
CHORUS
Busily buzzing--
THE GUINEA-HEN [
In her sprightliest manner.] The Wasps! [
To a CHICKEN.] How do you do? [
She flits from one guest to the other.]
THE WASPS
Busily buzzing
Estival glees.
Fill we with murmurs
The mulberry trees;
THE PHEASANT-HEN [
Passing with the BLACKBIRD
and laughing.] So you were caught?
THE BLACKBIRD [
Finishing his story.] Exactly as if a hat had been plumped down over me. But I managed by beating my wings to throw off the beastly pot. [
Looking around him.] Chantecler has not come yet?
THE PHEASANT-HEN [
Surprised.] Is he coming?
PATOU [
Suddenly appearing on the wheelbarrow, from whence he can watch the scene as from a pulpit.] I still hope he may change his mind.
THE BLACKBIRD Patou there, in the wheelbarrow?
PATOU [
Shaking his surly head, and a bit of broken chain hanging from his collar.] Chantecler told me everything Blackbird, as he went by. In a towering rage I broke my chain, and am here to keep an eye on the wicked lot of you.
THE GUINEA-HEN [
To the BLACKBIRD.] Has he invited himself to my party, that moth-eaten old thing?
CHORUS
[
Among the trees.]
Our praises, Sun, our praises!
THE PHEASANT-HEN [
Looking upward.] Music?
THE GUINEA-HEN The Cicadas!
CHORUS OF CICADAS
We simmer in thy gaze,
We bask beneath thy blaze,
Receive our grateful praise!
THE YOUNG GUINEA-COCK [
Low and quickly to his mother.] Tsicadas, mother. You must pronounce it Tsi!
A MAGPIE [
In black coat and white tie, announcing the guests as they arrive through a hole such as Chickens dig at the foot of hedges.] The Gander!
THE GANDER [
Entering, jocularly.] What's all this fuss and feathers my lady? Our names called as we enter?
THE GUINEA-HEN [
Demurely.] Yes, you see, expecting some rather great people, I thought it well to stand an usher at the blackthorn door.
THE MAGPIE [
Announcing.] The Duck!
THE DUCK [
Entering, impressed by the elegance of the occasion.] Here is style and grandeur indeed! Our names called!
THE GUINEA-HEN Yes, you see, expecting some rather great people--
THE MAGPIE The Turkey-hen!
THE TURKEY-HEN [
Entering, after a supercilious glance.] This is quite more of an affair, my dear, than I was anticipating.--Names called!
THE GUINEA-HEN Yes, I had in the Magpie to supplement my usual staff.
CHORUS
[
Among blossoming branches.]
Boom! Boom!
From bloom to bloom;
THE TURKEY-HEN [
Lifting her bill.] A Chorus?
THE GUINEA-HEN [
Breezily.] The Bees!
CHORUS
Make distant flowers
Bride and groom!
THE TURKEY-HEN Wonders on every side!
THE GUINEA-HEN The Bees here, the Tsicadas yonder--[
To a passing HEN.] How do you do? How do you do?
BEES [
At the right.]
Boom!
CICADAS [
At the left.]
Our praises!
BEES
Boom!
CICADAS
Our praises!
THE GUINEA-HEN [
To the PHEASANT-HEN.] My garden produces the most remarkable of everything!
THE YOUNG GUINEA-COCK The brightest flowers!
THE GUINEA-HEN The big potatoes!
THE BLACKBIRD And peaches! Perfect peaches!
THE PHEASANT-HEN [
Inconvenienced by the movement and the crowd, to the BLACKBIRD.] Let us stand out of the crowd a moment, behind this watering-pot.
THE BLACKBIRD The watering-pot, alias the Intermittent Baldpate, so called because there flows from his copper scalp when he is tilted a marvelous growth of silver hair.
THE GUINEA-HEN [
Spying the CAT,
who, outstretched along an apple-bough is watching with half-closed eyes.] I have among my guests the Cat.
THE BLACKBIRD Tomkyns de Tomkyns! [
A BIRD
is heard warbling in a tree.]
THE GUINEA-HEN I have the Chaffinch!
THE BLACKBIRD Let him chaff inchworms, what care we?
THE GUINEA-HEN The Darning-needle!
THE BLACKBIRD She shall mend up Ragged Robin, now's his chance!
PATOU [
More and more disgusted.] All that is supposed to be funny!
THE GUINEA-HEN [
Pecking a cabbage leaf from which roll drops of dew.] I have the Dew!
PATOU [
Grimly.] Your witticism for her?
THE BLACKBIRD [
Brightly.] Fresh-water pearls!
THE GUINEA-HEN [
Pointing out several CHICKS
walking among the crowd.] Have you seen them? I have several of the A.I.'s Chicks!
THE PHEASANT-HEN A.I.?
THE GUINEA-HEN The Acme Incubator.
THE PHEASANT-HEN Oh, have you?
THE GUINEA-HEN [
Presenting the CHICKS.] All from the topmost compartment!
THE PHEASANT-HEN Indeed?
ONE OF THE CHICKS [
Nudging his neighbour.] She is dumbfounded!
THE GUINEA-HEN [
Contemptuously.] Eggs hatched by the old vulgar method, fie!
THE BLACKBIRD, Good Lord, exempt us!
THE MAGPIE [
Announcing.] The Guinea-pig!
THE GUINEA-HEN It's the famous one, you know! The Guinea-pig who was inoculated--surely you remember the case--very well, that's the one! There you see him. I made a point of getting him to come. Everybody is here! I have everybody! I have--[
To the GUINEA-PIG.] How do you do? [
To the PHEASANT-HEN.] I have our great philosopher Tur-Key--Yes, it should be written with a hyphen--who will give us a little talk among the currant bushes under the tea-roses--[
To a passing HEN.] How do you do? [
To the PHEASANT-HEN.] Educational Tea or Currant Topics! [
Whirling from one to the other.] Everyone is here, everyone of the slightest mark or consequence! The Pheasant-hen is here, in a frock from fairyland. The Duck is here, who is so good as to say he will recite for us by and by. The Tortoise is here--[
Noticing that the TORTOISE
is not there] I was mistaken, the Tortoise is not here. She is late.
THE BLACKBIRD [
Affecting deep concern.] What is the little talk she seems so regrettably likely to miss?
THE GUINEA-HEN [
Suddenly serious.] The Moral Problem.
THE BLACKBIRD What a pity!
[
The GUINEA-HEN
goes to the back, scattering greetings, in ecstasies of sociability.]
THE PHEASANT-HEN [
To the BLACKBIRD.] Who is the Tortoise?
THE BLACKBIRD A hard old character, impervious, I fear, to moral problems, who goes in for walking matches in a loud check suit!
[
Murmur among the hollyhocks.]
THE PHEASANT-HEN Listen, a Drone!
THE GUINEA-HEN [
Briskly returning.] The Drone is here! In the bright light overhead, what a stylish figure of a fly!
THE BLACKBIRD No "at home" complete without it! Ladies cry for it! Won't be happy until--
THE GUINEA-HEN [
Jumping up in the air toward the DRONE.] How do you do? How do you do? [
She follows his flight with excited leaps and hops.]
THE BLACKBIRD [
Touching his brow with his wing.] She is dotty!
THE GUINEA-HEN [
At the back, with shrill GUINEA-HEN
cries.] It's my last day! How do you do? My last day until August! Mondays in August, don't forget!
A HEN [
Seeing cherries dropping around her.] Oh, cherries, look!
THE PHEASANT-HEN [
Looking upward.] It is the Breeze!
THE GUINEA-HEN [
Fluttering forward again, excited as ever.] I have the Breeze, who now and then shakes down a cherry! I never ask her. She comes unasked. What's-his-name is here! And What's-her-name is here, and--[
To the back tumultuously.]
THE BLACKBIRD And Thingumbob, and Stick-in-the-mud! [
He has arrived without appearance of design beneath the tree where the CAT
is lying, and asks rapidly, under breath.] Cat, what about the conspiracy?
THE CAT [
Who from his tree can see beyond the hedge.] It is afoot. I see the interminable file of phenomenal Cocks approaching, headed by the Peacock who comes to present them.
A CRY [
Outside.] Ee--yong! [
The CROWD
throngs toward the entrance.]
PATOU [
Grumbling.] That abominable concertina cry--
THE MAGPIE The Peacock!
THE PHEASANT-HEN [
To the BLACKBIRD.] Have you a fancy name for him?
THE BLACKBIRD [
Imitating the PEACOCK'S
cry.] Our great Accordee-yong!