12. Life
"In the world's broad field of battle,
In the bivouac of Life,
Be not like dumb, driven cattle!
Be a hero in the strife!" - Longfellow.
"What shall we do for you, my poor Delia?" said Mr. Thornton, anxiously gaziag upon the pale countenance of his invalid child.
"Let me die, papa," replied the young lady, in a half-angry, half-plaintive tone, "I have no wish to live."
The father's eyes distended with as much horror as the mildness of his character would allow.
"So young, and yet you have no wish for a continuance of the boon of life. My dear child, you must be very ill, or you would not feel thus. Life, even with its trials, is a state of happiness. How much we all enjoy ! I am frequently oppressed by the cares of business, and annoyed by the uncontrolled passions of those by whom I am surrounded, but still, in view of the amount of bliss received from other sources, I would not lose a single day which I have passed on earth."
The good man folded his hands in silent gratitude. Charles and Adelaide had entered while he was speaking. They looked at each other with eyes of eloquence. What was conveyed in that mute address? Unuttered words, I fancy, to this effect:
"If life is good to him, with his quiet temperament, how rich, how ecstatic, must it be to those of more intense feelings, of greater capacities for thought, of more vigorous powers of action !"
"I know," resumed Mr. Thornton, "that life is sometimes considered a burden by those who are in ill health, but, if the question of its abandonment were seriously asked, would the response be affirmative? During my severe illness last winter, I suffered greatly from pain and languor. But, in my quiet intervals, in my hours of comparative comfort, my thoughts were very pleasant. I reclined upon my couch, enjoying the pleasures of reverie. Life appeared desirable, were it merely for the enjoyment conferred by the sense of existence."
" My father," observed Adelaide, " in the midst of his severest sufferings, has often said, 'Life is beautiful, my children. I should be sorry to die, even were I quite confident of a transition to a nobler state of being.' Yet, is it not strange, that those whose life must be one of almost incessant pain, should so desire to live?"
" Because, Adelaide," returned Charles, " of the uncertain future. Whither do we go on quitting this beautiful earth ?"
"One would infer, Charles, that you were an unbeliever."
" Not so, Adelaide. The evidences of Christianity are unerring. The truths of revelation may be received by every humble heart. But, who has returned from the dread world to which we are hastening ? My faith is only faith. Strong as it occasionally is, it can not be called sight. Therefore, I should cling to earth, even if 1 were enduring the extreme of misery."
" Here I must agree with Dr. Leland, that moral demonstration is as conclusive as mathematical. Faith in its infancy is doubtless feeble ; otherwise, it might be termed presumption. But, after years of trust and experience, may not every Christian say, with Paul, ' I know in whom I have believed?' "
" Those only who reach that state can be considered truly happy. All others, those who merely doubt, as well as those who disbelieve, must be more or less unhappy."
" Children," said Mr. Thornton, with a troubled brow, "you are contradicting yourselves. A few minutes since, you maintained that all were happy."
"No, sir," replied Adelaide, "that was not our exact position. We merely assumed that the love of life was inherent in every one, despite the personal misery which each might endure."
" I will not subscribe even to that doctrine," remarked Delia. " If it were true, why should any one commit suicide?"
" I doubt whether any sane person would be guilty of that act, or would even indulge the thought of self-destruction."
" Adelaide," exclaimed Delia, her voice trembling with unwonted energy, " you are too happy ever to dream of such a thought. Your study has been extensive, your observation close, and your experience varied. But you are not competent to judge of what passes in the hearts of those who are wretched without the ability to explain the cause of their sufferings. Some say that your lot has been hard, but they do not perceive the truth. Labor has been assigned you, but, with your views, it could not be deemed a burden. You have had time for your favorite pursuit, study ; and you have found some one whom you could love with all the strength of which your affections are susceptible. You should not profess to understand subjects on which you have had no experience. You have endured nothing to elicit the thought,
" ' O that the Everlasting had not fixed
His canon 'gainst self-slaughter!' "
Delia would have proceeded further, but her utterance was impeded by a violent paroxysm of tears. Fear pervaded the hearts of her auditors, but not more than they had felt from the very commencement of her remarks. It was unusual for Delia to attempt any thing like a regular harangue. Her habits, both of thought and of action, were opposed to the expression of more than a few words at a time. Her hearers had, therefore, listened with consternation, as she delivered sentence after sentence, in so frenzied a manner. All now united in entreating her to retire to her own room. Her nervous system, they argued, had been so excited that she was in absolute need of repose. But, controlling herself by a violent effort, she said that it was her wish to remain. After an awkward pause, she calmly requested them to pursue the conversation. "With one glance of fearful scrutiny toward his sister, Charles said, in reply to her previous remarks, " The problem is not yet solved, Delia, whether a person is capable of describing well what he has never experienced. Adelaide will not assert that she has the power. In her humility, she would probably deny that in her mind it exists to any extent. I firmly believe that she is largely endowed with this rare gift. Do you remember the criticism of the great essayist, Giles, on the anecdote of Byron and the dagger? As the poet held the deadly weapon, he longed to know how a man must feel after committing murder. According to the critic, Byron needed the actual experience of an event, in order to give a faithful description. Shakspeare, he intimates, could understand all passions, and express every shade of feeling, and each act of the soul, with no real prototype in his own mental or bodily deeds. This was in consequence of his unrivalled creative power."
Adelaide blushed painfully, and Delia made no attempt to repress lier smiles. Mr. Thornton glanced mischievously toward the young lady who was the indirect subject of this eulogy, and said, in a tone of raillery, " You ought to thank me for my son, Adelaide. He thinks that you have power comparable to Shakspeare's."
" I do not regard a flatterer as a gift deserving of the least gratitude," replied Adelaide, with more indignation than she had ever before exhibited.
" But," pleaded Charles, " I wished to convince Delia that you could understand her position without her experience;" then, abruptly turning to his sister, he asked, "If you were as well as Adelaide, would not life be acceptable ?"
"With an arch smile, the young girl answered, "I can not imagine such a case. I must acknowledge myself Byronian rather than Shaksperian. I can not conceive of any act, of any state of being, emotion, or even sensation, without personal experience of the same."
"Delia," exclaimed Mr. Thornton, "don't be metaphysical. I do not know what you mean. You have so long been silent, that we must learn your language."
"You need not fear, papa; I am entirely devoid of metaphysical talent."
"You are wretched, Delia. Can you tell us what would render you happy ? What would inspire you with that love of life which is so natural to the human race?"
Delia shook her head, and answered, " I can not concede that life is either beautiful or desirable. I should be willing to die, were it not for the dread of what Charles calls the 'uncertain future.' "
All slightly shuddered. It was sad to see the pall of grief o'ershadowing one who had known so little of the real anguish which is, at some stage, the lot of all those who have long trodden the journey of life.
" Why, Delia," inquired Adelaide, " should you recoil from the idea of death? Charles alleges weakness of faith as his reason."
" Mine is total want of faith. Hie ancient Pagan idea of the future world occupies my mind far more than that held by you and other Christians. We are told that those with whom the gods were not personally offended, were engaged in the unreal performance of the same acts that had engrossed their attention during life. May not this be true? Is it not probable that Charles will teach in heaven? Will not Adelaide zealously study the language of the immortals, and also administer to those who, although glorified in Paradise, will need the assistance of the strong in mind ? May not our neighbors have employments resembling those which they have pursued in this world? We are taught by Christianity that this life is a state of preparation for the next. Do not the two systems here coincide ? Shall we not, in heaven, labor in such departments as we have qualified ourselves for on earth ?"
" What employment have you assigned for yourself?" asked Adelaide, with deep interest.
" Oh, I am one of those who have offended the gods. My life has been useless. I shall be excluded from the home of the ' good and faithful.' In the prison of the wretched, I shall live as I have on earth, listless and suffering, with a constant accession of pain."
"Delia, Delia!" cried her father, "cease raving. You are distracting us all."
"Adelaide," queried Delia, with that restless manner which betrays agitation that can not be controlled, "what is the cause of happiness in this life?"
" Obedience," was Adelaide's prompt answer, as she gazed compassionately upon the trembling girl.
"Obedience!" echoed Delia, impatiently, "obedience to whom?"
" Obedience to God, that is, to the laws which He has made. Laws have been justly called ' expressions of the thoughts of God.' Edicts have been proclaimed for all mankind. The natural law, which is written upon the heart even of the savage. The moral law, which is in accordance with the natural. Eules were given for the observance of the disciples of Christ. Did not Locke regard the ' Sermon on the Mount,' as a summary of directions for those who should enlist under the banner of Jesus? Then, too, we have laws for the preservation of health. We are as culpable for willful disregard of these, as for actual violation of the direct injunctions of the decalogue. God has revealed the organic laws to those who have made the subject their study."
" How then can any one be happy ? All have broken the law."
" True. Perfect happiness can not therefore be enjoyed in this life. Only an approximation to such a state can be expected. The consciousness of pardon for past errors, implicit confidence in the promises of our Saviour, and a constant strife for perfect obedience, are the only pure sources of happiness."
Delia sighed. " This never-ceasing effort seems hard."
" We are told that it is hard. To what is the Christian life compared? To the races .of the ancients, which required the exercise of all the vigor possessed by the competitors. But, you are not well enough to bear any longer the excitement of conversation. Let us join the children."