3. Allopathy
" A wild and weary life is thine ; A wasting task and lone." - Mrs. Remans.
Dr. Peeey was a physician of the old school, a genuine allopathist. He regarded with sovereign contempt the various modern systems, declaring that the whole human race would gradually degenerate, if people continued to employ young gentlemen, who thought themselves wiser than even Galen himself, and who believed that because a few cures had been apparently wrought by cold water or "clam-shell and sugar," that all the old practitioners should retire from the profession, and leave the field open and undisturbed for the trial of their experiments. For many years the large and flourishing village of Clinton had been the undisputed province of Dr. Perry. No brother M. D. had ventured to interfere. But, within a few months, the " Clinton Chronicle" had presumed to insert in its columns an advertisement purporting that Dr. Liston, a regular physician of the homeopathic order, recently arrived from erudite Germany - that land of students and philosophers - had taken rooms at the house of the "Widow Stipend, and that he would be happy to respond to the calls of the afflicted. The wicked little newspaper had also consented to notify the public, that Dr. Seymour, a pupil of the renowned Priessnitz, of Graefenburg, was practicing in the metropolis ; that he had hired a large, commodious dwelling; that he was ready to receive patients from all parts of the country, and drench them in the most approved manner. Dr. Perry called upon the erring editor, and, with great solemnity, assured him that if he persisted in publishing advertisements of that character, he would certainly be responsible for the lives of his fellowmen. The editor humbly replied, that being totally ignorant of medicine, he could not be censured for making known the claims of the various professors, that he had established his press for the especial purpose of enlightening the public mind, and that he should not fulfill his obligations if he did not print every thing which might possibly benefit the people. He added, moreover, that the homeopathists had cured his wife of an indescribable malady which had afflicted her for years. In gratitude, therefore, he would oblige the man of pillules and powderettes to the end of his life. With an inimitable look of disdain, Dr. Perry demanded his bill, and ordered that his name should be erased from the list of subscribers to the " Clinton Chronicle.'' As the veteran retreated, the independent editor exchanged smiles with his printers, saying, "That man looks more like a pirate than a physician. I would not trust my Hf e in his hands."
Meantime, Dr. Perry, little thinking that he had been compared to a lawless prowler upon the ocean, gravely proceeded toward the residence of the Thorntons. His appearance was certainly unprepossessing. He had a tall, gaunt figure, surmounted by an enormous head of shaggy, black hair, which, in front, shaded features of a remarkably saturnine cast ; and, in the rear, fell upon shoulders massive enough to undertake the labors of Hercules. Entering the house, he unceremoniously inquired for the patient. He evidently expected a serious case of fever, cholera, or, at least, measles or whooping-cough. Receiving no reply from the mistress of the house, who was sitting in a very sentimental attitude, with a perfumed handkerchief at her eyes, he carefully modulated his voice, and asked, " My dear madam, what is the matter ? "Who is ill ? How do you do, Delia ? You are as fair as a lily. As for my little Carrie, I am quite sure that she is in perfect health. Where is the patient ?"
" Oh, doctor," sighed Mrs. Thornton, amazed that the physician's penetration had failed to read indications of fearful disease upon the countenance of her eldest daughter, " Delia's health has been declining for several months ;" then lowering her voice to a whisper, which was, however, perfectly audible to the young lady, "I am afraid that she is in a consumption."
"Nonsense, madam," was the courteous reply of the physician, while he scrutinized the invalid with rather a fiend-like expression of countenance.
Oh, these doctors ! Give them a patient actually ill in bed, racked with pain, tossed with fever, or raving with delirium, and they are enraptured. They have a fair subject for the exercise of their professional skill, and they complacently anticipate a series of highly entertaining experiments upon their unconscious victim. But, to be summoned to prescribe for a nervous young lady, with no particular disease, who has, or fancies that she has, a thousand contradictory symptoms, would almost extort an expression of impatience from the very mildest of the faculty.
After one sigh of submission, Dr. Perry assumed a tone of raillery.
" Well, Delia, let us try to exorcise your evil spirit. How do you feel ? What are your symptoms?"
Delia, who could hardly conceal her aversion to the physician, replied, with downcast eyes and languid tones, " My head aches. My food distresses me. I have no strength. I often have palpitations of the heart."
" Yes, doctor," interposed Mrs. Thornton, with great solemnity, " we are afraid that she has some disease of the heart."
" None at all, madam ; her palpitations are the result of indigestion, caused by want of exercise, or the use of improper articles of diet. Give me your hand, Delia. If you think that you are sick, I must examine your pulse."
Delia extended her hand, very much in the manner of a child doomed to the ferule.
" Now, Delia, if I were a school-master," laughed the physician, " but I want the wrist, not the palm of your hand."
"With professional skill, he immediately placed his finger upon the desired artery. He smiled as he concluded this examination, and said : " Now I will look at your tongue."
Delia slowly protruded the summoned member. Dr. Perry again smiled. Taking pencil and paper from his pocket, he quietly wrote a prescription. Then, rising abruptly, he said : "I must now go, for I promised to call at ten o'clock upon a lady, who, because she has two or three decayed teeth which need extracting, imagines that she is tortured by neuralgia. I intend to make her submit to the application of cold iron. In the afternoon, Delia, I will bring my stethoscope, merely to convince you that your heart is not affected. I am already satisfied that you are in no danger. Take the medicine which I have ordered, walk five or six miles every day, and you will soon be perfectly well."
Dr. Perry now rushed from the house, leaving his patient in tears, and her mother in a violent paroxysm of rage. The dinner-hour had never been so eagerly expected. It came, and with it Mr. Thornton and the other wanderers. Charles had brought Adelaide, that she might immediately learn the result of the physician's visit.
" What is the matter ? Is my sister really ill ?" asked the young gentleman, as he observed his mother's ominous brow.
Mr. Thornton's expression was solicitous, but he carefully restrained himself, knowing, by the experience of many years, that any indication of impatience only deferred still longer the gratification of his wishes.
Mrs. Thornton began : "To think that Dr. Perry, whom we have patronized ever since our marriage - " here the lady became slightly hysterical, and her auditors summoned all their forbearance - " to think that after paying him so much money for medical attendance, he should have treated us in this way !"
Her husband begged an explanation. "Without needing him, she resumed her tirade.
" Dr. Perry has always been promptly paid. We have had enormous bills. One case of rheumatism, two of typhoid fever, three of throat distemper, four of cholera infantum, and five of jaundice. Eight teeth extracted for you and myself, and sixty-seven for the children. Three sprained ankles, and one broken arm - "
" My dear wife," implored Mr. Thornton, whose appetite for his dinner was not much improved by these details, " pray, tell me, without further preamble, why you are so excited."
" Why, Dr. Perry has had the impudence to say that nothing is the matter with Delia."
The gentleman's countenance cleared. " "We ought to be truly grateful. I can not imagine why you are so angry."
" Mr. Thornton," enunciated the lady, with great dignity, " if Dr. Perry were infallible, I should be very far from angry. I know that Delia is actually ill."
" Let me see the recipe."
A strip of paper was produced, revealing characters almost hieroglyphic in appearance. Mr. Thornton surveyed the writing with a puzzled air. Charles followed his example.
" Adelaide," asked the young gentleman, " can not you be the Champollion to decipher these symbols ?"
After one glimpse of the paper, Adelaide answered, with a half-suppressed smile, " Quinine is the medicine ordered."
" So, Delia," shouted Ella, " you are to take quinine, that wonderful medicine, which, if we may credit the statements of Mrs. Kirkland, is called ' Queen Ann' at the West."
" Be quiet, Ella, dear," said Charles. " Adelaide; can you tell us why Dr. Perry has written for quinine ?"
" He evidently wishes to give her some curable form of disease. He can effect nothing by trying directly to banish the indescribable ailments that now bear sway. By introducing some disorder which he can cure, he is doubtless confident that she will soon be relieved."
If the color of Mrs. Thornton's cheeks had before indicated some degree of emotion, the now rapidly deepening hue revealed that yet undeveloped susceptibilities could be aroused. With all her dislike for Adelaide, she had a profound respect for the young lady's talents and erudition.
"What!" she ejaculated, "Dr. Perry actually intends to make Delia sick ! A fine way to cure her ! A beautiful expedient for running up a bill ! The murderer ! the extortioner !"
" My dear madam," exclaimed Adelaide, as Mrs. Thornton laid threatening hands upon the recipe, " very good reasons may be given for Dr. Perry's intended plan of treatment. Excuse me, but you have never bestowed much attention upon the subject of medicine."
But Mrs. Thornton's wrath was not to be appeased. The paper, torn into a thousand fragments, was thrown upon the glowing anthracite. Many a sacrifice had been made upon this domestic altar. Ella's theme and Dr. Perry's recipe were not the only burnt-offerings which had been thus consumed !