The Jest Book

13. Plain Enough

MCCXXX.--PLAIN ENOUGH.

A GENTLEMAN, praising the personal charms of a very plain woman in the presence of Foote, the latter said: "And why don't you lay claim to such an accomplished beauty?"--"What right have I to her?" exclaimed the gentleman. "Every right, by the law of nations," replied Foote; "every right, as the first discoverer."

MCCXXXI.--A POSER.

AT Plymouth there is, or was, a small green opposite the Government House, over which no one was permitted to pass. Not a creature was allowed to approach, save the General's cow. One day old Lady D----, having called at the General's, in order to make a short cut, bent her steps across the lawn, when she was arrested by the sentry calling out, and desiring her to return. "But," said lady D----, with a stately air, "do you know who I am?"--"I don't know who you be, ma'am," replied the immovable sentry, "but I knows you b'aint--you b'aint the General's cow." So Lady D---- wisely gave up the argument, and went the other way.

MCCXXXII.--TRUE CRITICISM.

A GENTLEMAN being prevailed upon to taste a lady's home-made wine, was asked for an opinion of what he had tasted. "I always give a candid one," said her guest, "where eating and drinking are concerned. It is admirable stuff to catch flies."

MCCXXXIII.--ORIGIN OF THE TERM GROG.

THE British sailors had always been accustomed to drink their allowance of brandy or rum clear, till Admiral Vernon ordered those under his command to mix it with water. The innovation gave great offence to the sailors, and for a time rendered the commander very unpopular among them. The admiral at that time wore a grogram coat, for which reason they nicknamed him "Old Grog," &c. Hence, by degrees, the mixed liquor he constrained them to drink universally obtained among them the name of grog.

MCCXXXIV.--WELL SAID.

A GENTLEMAN, speaking of the happiness of the married state before his daughter, disparagingly said, "She who marries, does well; but she who does not marry, does better."--"Well then," said the young lady, "I will do well; let those who choose do better."

MCCXXXV.--SLEEPING AT CHURCH.

DR. SOUTH, when once preaching before Charles II., observed that the monarch and his attendants began to nod, and some of them soon after snored, on which he broke off in his sermon, and said: "Lord Lauderdale, let me entreat you to rouse yourself; you snore so loud that you will awake the king;"

MCCXXXVI.--SHERIDAN CONVIVIAL.

LORD BYRON notes: "What a wreck is Sheridan! and all from bad pilotage; for no one had ever better gales, though now and then a little squally. Poor dear Sherry! I shall never forget the day he, and Rogers, and Moore, and I passed together, when he talked and we listened, without one yawn, from six to one in the morning."

One night, Sheridan was found in the street by a watchman, bereft of that "divine particle of air" called reason, and fuddled, and bewildered, and almost insensible. The watchman asked, "Who are you, sir?" No answer. "What's your name?" A hiccup. "What's your name?" Answer, in a slow, deliberate, and impassive tone, "Wilberforce!" Byron notes: "Is not that Sherry all over?--and, to my mind, excellent. Poor fellow! his very dregs are better than the first sprightly runnings of others."

MCCXXXVII.--THE WORST OF TWO EVILS.

VILLIERS, Duke of Buckingham, in King Charles II.'s time, was saying one day to Sir Robert Viner, in a melancholy humor: "I am afraid, Sir Robert, I shall die a beggar at last, which is the most terrible thing in the world."--"Upon my word, my lord," said Sir Robert, "there is another thing more terrible which you have to apprehend, and that is that you will live a beggar, at the rate you go on."

MCCXXXVIII.--QUID PRO QUO.

A WORTHY Roman Catholic clergyman, well known as "Priest Matheson," and universally respected in the district, had charge of a mission in Aberdeenshire, and for a long time made his journeys on a piebald pony, the priest and his "Pyet Shelty" sharing an affectionate recognition wherever they came. On one occasion, however, he made his appearance on a steed of a different description, and passing near a Seceding meeting-house, he forgathered with the minister, who, after the usual kindly greetings, missing the familiar pony, said, "Ou, priest! fat's come o' the auld Pyet?"--"He's deid, minister."--"Weel, he was an auld faithfu' servant, and ye wad nae doot gie him the offices o' the Church?"--"Na, minister," said his friend, not quite liking this allusion to his priestly offices, "I didna dee that, for ye see he turned Seceder afore he deed, an' I buried him like a beast." He then rode quietly away.

MCCXXXIX.--CREDIT.

AMONG the witty aphorisms upon this unsafe topic, are Lord Alvanley's description of a man who "muddled away his fortune in paying his tradesmen's bills"; Lord Orford's definition of timber, "an excrescence on the face of the earth, placed there by Providence for the payment of debts"; and Pelham's argument, that it is respectable to be arrested, because it shows that the party once had credit.

MCCXL.--SEEING NOT BELIEVING.

A LADY'S-MAID told her mistress that she once swallowed several pins together. "Dear me!" said the lady, "didn't they kill you?"

MCCXLI.--SPIRIT OF A GAMBLER.

A BON-VIVANT, brought to his death-bed by an immoderate use of wine, after having been told that he could not in all human probability survive many hours, and would die by eight o clock next morning, exerted the small remains of his strength to call the doctor back, and said, with the true spirit of a gambler, "doctor, I'll bet you a bottle I live till nine;"

MCCXLII.--BURKE'S TEDIOUSNESS.

THOUGH upon great occasions Burke was one of the most eloquent of men that ever sat in the British senate, he had in ordinary matters as much as any man the faculty of tiring his auditors. During the latter years of his life the failing gained so much upon him, that he more than once dispersed the house, a circumstance which procured him the nickname of the Dinner-bell. A gentleman was one day going into the House, when he was surprised to meet a great number of people coming out in a body. "Is the House up?" said he: "No," answered one of the fugitives, "but Mr. Burke is up."

MCCXLIII.--VERY LIKE EACH OTHER.

IT appears that there were two persons of the name of Dr. John Thomas, not easily to be distinguished; for somebody (says Bishop Newton) was speaking of Dr. Thomas, when it was asked, "which Dr. Thomas do you mean?"--"Dr. John Thomas."--"They are both named John."--"Dr. Thomas who has a living in the city."--"They have both livings in the city."--"Dr. Thomas who is chaplain to the king."--"They are both chaplains to the king."--"Dr. Thomas who is a very good preacher."--"They are both good preachers."--"Dr. Thomas who squints."--"They both squint." They were afterwards both Bishops.

MCCXLIV.--FORTUNATE STARS.

"MY stars!" cried a courtier, with stars and lace twirled,
"What homage we nobles command in the world!"
"True, my lord," said a wag, "though the world has its jars,
Some people owe much to their fortunate stars;"

MCCXLV.--A NEW READING.

TOWARDS the close of the administration of Sir Robert Walpole, he was talking very freely to some of his friends of the vanity and vexations of office, and, alluding to his intended retirement, quoted from Horace the following passage:--

"Lusisti satis, edisti satis, atque bibisti:
Tempus abire tibi est."

"Pray, Sir Robert," said one of his friends, "is that good Latin?"--"I think so," answered Sir. Robert; "what objection have you to it?"--"Why," said the other dryly, "I did not know but the word might be bribe-isti in your Horace."

MCCXLVI.--QUITE AT EASE.

FOOTE, the actor, was one day taken into White's Club-House by a friend who wanted to write a note. Lord Carmarthen approached to speak to him; but feeling rather shy, he merely said, "Mr. Foote, your handkerchief is hanging out of your pocket." Foote, looking suspiciously round, and hurriedly thrusting the handkerchief back into his pocket, replied, "Thank you, my lord: you know the company better than I do."

MCCXLVII.--CHARLES, DUKE OF NORFOLK.

IN cleanliness, the Duke was negligent to so great a degree, that he rarely made use of water for purposes of bodily refreshment and comfort. Nor did he change his linen more frequently than he washed himself. Complaining, one day, to Dudley North, that he was a martyr to rheumatism, and had ineffectually tried every remedy for its relief, "Pray, my lord," said he, "did you ever try a clean shirt?"

MCCXLVIII.--CLEARING EMIGRANTS.

AN Irish gentleman, resident in Canada, was desirous to persuade his sons to work as backwoodsmen, instead of drinking champagne at something more than a dollar a bottle. Whenever this old gentleman saw his sons so engaged he used to exclaim, "Ah, my boys! there goes an acre of land, trees and all."

MCCXLIX.--PARLIAMENTARY CASE.

BISHOP ANDREWS, who was master and a great benefactor of Pembroke Hall, was one day at court with Waller the poet, and others. While King James was at dinner, attended by Andrews, Bishop of Winchester, and Neale, Bishop of Durham, his Majesty said to the prelates: "My lords, cannot I take my subjects' money when I want it, without all this formality in Parliament?" Bishop Neale quickly replied, "God forbid, sir, but you should: you are the breath of our nostrils." On which the king said to the Bishop of Winchester, "Well, my lord, and what say you?"--"Sir," replied Andrews, "I have no skill to judge of Parliamentary cases."--"Come, come," answered his Majesty, "no put-offs, my lord; answer me presently."--"Then, sir," said Andrews, "I think it lawful for you to take my brother Neale's money, for he offers it."

MCCL.--OUTLINE OF AN AMBASSADOR.

WHEN the Duke de Choiseul, who was a remarkably meagre-looking man, came to London to negotiate a peace, Charles Townsend, being asked whether the French government had sent the preliminaries of a treaty, answered, "he did not know, but they had sent the outline of an ambassador."

MCCLI.--NATURE AND ART.

A WORTHY English agriculturist visited the great dinner-table of the Astor House Hotel, in New York, and took up the bill of fare. His eye caught up the names of its--to him--unknown dishes: "Soupe à la flamande"--"Soupe à la Creci"--"Langue de Boeuf piquée"--"Pieds de Cochon à la Ste. Ménéhould"--"Patés de sanglier"--"Patés à la gelée de volailles"--"Les cannelons de crème glacée." It was too much for his simple heart. Laying down the scarlet-bound volume in disgust, he cried to the waiter, "Here, my good man, I shall go back to first principles; Give us some beans and bacon!"

MCCLII.--A COMPARISON.

IT is with narrow-souled people as with narrow-necked bottles,--the less they have in them, the more noise they make in pouring it out.

MCCLIII.--THE SNUFF-BOX.

AT a party in Portman Square, Brummell's snuff-box was particularly admired: it was handed round, and a gentleman, finding it rather difficult to open, incautiously applied a dessert-knife to the lid. Poor Brummell was on thorns; at last he could not contain himself any longer, and, addressing the host, said, with his characteristic quaintness, "Will you be good enough to tell your friend that my snuff-box is not an oyster."

MCCLIV.--NOT SICK ENOUGH FOR THAT.

LORD PLUNKET is said to have acutely felt his forced resignation of the Irish Chancellorship, and his supersedeas by Lord Campbell. A violent tempest arose on the day of the latter's expected arrival, and a friend remarking to Plunket how sick of his promotion the passage must have made the new comer; "Yes," replied the ex-chancellor, ruefully, "but it won't make him throw up the seals."

MCCLV.--A SEASONABLE JOKE.

ADMIRAL DUNCAN'S address to the officers who came on board his ship for instructions previous to the engagement with Admiral de Winter, was both laconic and humorous: "Gentlemen, you see a severe winter approaching; I have only to advise you to keep up a good fire."

MCCLVI.--GETTING A LIVING.

THE late Duke of Grafton, when hunting, was thrown into a ditch; at the same time a young curate, calling out "Lie still, your Grace"; leaped over him, and pursued his sport. On being assisted to remount by his attendants, the duke said, "That young man shall have the first good living that falls to my disposal; had he stopped to have taken care of me, I never would have patronized him," being delighted with an ardor similar to his own, or with a spirit that would not stoop to flatter.

MCCLVII.--GOOD EYES.

A MAN of wit being asked what pleasure he could have in the company of a pretty woman who was a loquacious simpleton, replied, "I love to see her talk."

MCCLVIII.--INDIFFERENCE TO LIFE.

A SOLDIER, who was being led to the gallows, saw a crowd of people running on before. "Don't be in such a hurry," said he to them. "I can assure you nothing will be done without me."

MCCLIX.--A LAST RESOURCE.

VILLIERS, Duke of Buckingham, was making his complaint to Sir John Cutler, a rich miser, of the disorder of his affairs, and asked him what he should do to avoid the ruin. "Live as I do, my lord," said Sir John. "That I can do," answered the duke, "when I am ruined."

MCCLX.--A DULL MAN.

LORD BYRON knew a dull man who lived on a bon mot of Moore's for a week; and his lordship once offered a wager of a considerable sum that the reciter was guiltless of understanding its point; but he could get no one to accept the bet.

MCCLXI.--WHITE TEETH.

PROFESSOR SAUNDERSON, who occupied so distinguished a situation in the University of Cambridge as that of Lucasian Professor of Mathematics, was quite blind. Happening to make one in a large party, he remarked of a lady, who had just left the room, that she had very white teeth. The company were anxious to learn how he had discovered this, which was very true. "I have reason," observed the professor, "to believe that the lady is not a fool, and I can think of no other motive for her laughing incessantly, as she did for a whole hour together."

MCCLXII.--A PLEASANT PARTNER.

A FARMER having bought a barn in partnership with a neighbor who neglected to make use of it, plentifully stored his own part with corn, and expostulated with his partner on having laid out his money in so useless a way, adding, "You had better do something with it, as you see I have done."--"As to that, neighbor," replied the other, "every man has a right to do what he will with his own, and you have done so; but I have made up my mind about my part of the property,--I shall set it on fire."

MCCLXIII.--TWO CARRIAGES.

TWO ladies disputed for precedency, one the daughter of a wealthy brewer, the other the daughter of a gentleman of small fortune. "You are to consider, miss," said the brewer's daughter, "that my papa keeps a coach."--"Very true, miss," said the other, "and you are to consider that he likewise keeps a dray."

MCCLXIV.--EXCUSABLE FEAR.

A HUSBAND, who only opposed his wife's ill humor by silence, was told by a friend that he "was afraid of his wife."--"It is not she I am afraid of," replied the husband, "it is the noise."

MCCLXV.--COLERIDGE AND THELWALL.

THELWALL and Coleridge were sitting once in a beautiful recess in the Quantock Hills, when the latter said, "Citizen John, this is a fine place to talk treason in!"--"Nay, Citizen Samuel," replied he; "It is rather a place to make a man forget that there is any necessity for treason!"

MCCLXVI.--A FLASH OF WIT.

SYDNEY SMITH, after Macaulay's return from the East, remarked to a friend who had been speaking of the distinguished conversationalist: "Yes, he is certainly more agreeable since his return from India. His enemies might perhaps have said before (though I never did so) that he talked rather too much; but now he has occasional flashes of silence, that make his conversation perfectly delightful;"

MCCLXVII.--LOST AND FOUND.

THE ferryman, whilst plying over a water which was only slightly agitated, was asked by a timid lady in his boat, whether any persons were ever lost in that river. "O no," said he, "we always finds 'em agin the next day."

MCCLXVIII.--A MILITARY AXIOM.

AN old soldier having been brought up to vote at an election at the expense of one of the candidates, voted for his opponent, and when reproached for his conduct, replied, "Always quarter upon the enemy, my lads; always quarter upon the enemy."

MCCLXIX.--A FORCIBLE ARGUMENT.

THAT erudite Cantab, Bishop Burnett, preaching before Charles II., being much warmed with his subject, uttered some religious truth with great vehemence, and at the same time, striking his fist on the desk with great violence, cried out, "Who dare deny this?"--"Faith," said the king, in a tone more piano than that of the orator, "nobody that is within the reach of that fist of yours."

MCCLXX.--NOT TO BE DONE BROWN.

DR. THOMAS BROWN courted a lady for many years, but unsuccessfully, during which time it had been his custom to drink the lady's health before that of any other; but being observed one evening to omit it, a gentleman reminded him of it, and said, "Come, doctor, drink the lady, your toast." The doctor replied, "I have toasted her many years, and I cannot make her Brown, so I'll toast her no longer."

MCCLXXI.--AN ODD NOTION.

A LADY the other day meeting a girl who had lately left her service, inquired, "Well, Mary, where do you live now?"--"Please, ma'am, I don't live nowhere now," rejoined the girl; "I am married;"

MCCLXXII.--A SURE TAKE.

AN old sportsman, who, at the age of eighty-three, was met by a friend riding very fast, and was asked what he was in pursuit of? "Why, sir," replied the other, "I am riding after my eighty-fourth year."

MCCLXXIII.--MR. TIERNEY'S HUMOR.

MR. TIERNEY, when alluding to the difficulty the Foxites and Pittites had in passing over to join each other in attacking the Addington Ministry (forgetting at the moment how easily he had himself overcome a like difficulty in joining that Ministry), alluded to the puzzle of the Fox and the Goose, and did not clearly expound his idea. Whereupon, Mr. Dudley North said, "It's himself he means,--who left the Fox to go over to the Goose, and put the bag of oats in his pocket."

MCCLXXIV.--DIFFERENCE OF OPINION.

"IF I were so unlucky," said an officer, "as to have a stupid son, I would certainly by all means make him a parson." A clergyman who was in company calmly replied, "You think differently, sir, from your father."

MCCLXXV.--ORTHOGRAPHY.

THE laird of M'N----b was writing a letter from an Edinburgh coffee-house, when a friend observed that he was setting at defiance the laws of orthography and grammar. "I ken that weel eno'!" exclaimed the Highland chieftain, "but how can a man write grammar with a pen like this?"

MCCLXXVI.--A SHORT JOURNEY.

"ZOUNDS, fellow!" exclaimed a choleric old gentleman to a very phlegmatic matter-of-fact person, "I shall go out of my wits."--"Well, you won't have far to go," said the phlegmatic man.

MCCLXXVII.--LORD HOWE.

ADMIRAL LORD HOWE, when a captain, was once hastily awakened in the middle of the night by the lieutenant of the watch, who informed him with great agitation that the ship was on fire near the magazine. "If that be the case," said he, rising leisurely to put on his clothes, "we shall soon know it." The lieutenant flew back to the scene of danger, and almost instantly returning, exclaimed, "You need not, sir, be afraid, the fire is extinguished."--"Afraid!" exclaimed Howe, "what do you mean by that, sir? I never was afraid in my life"; and looking the lieutenant full in the face, he added, "Pray, how does a man feel, sir, when he is afraid? I need not ask how he looks."

MCCLXXVIII.--RATHER ETHEREAL.

DR. JOHN WILKINS wrote a work in the reign of Charles II., to show the possibility of making a voyage to the moon. The Duchess of Newcastle, who was likewise notorious for her vagrant speculations, said to him, "Doctor, where am I to bait at in the upward journey?"--"My lady," replied the doctor, "of all the people in the world, I never expected that question from you; who have built so many castles in the air that you might lie every night at one of your own."

MCCLXXIX.--HENRY VIII.

THIS monarch, after the death of Jane Seymour, had some difficulty to get another wife. His first offer was to the Duchess Dowager of Milan; but her answer was, "She had but one head; if she had two, one should have been at his service."

MCCLXXX.--MELODRAMATIC HIT.

BURKE'S was a complete failure, when he flung the dagger on the floor of the House of Commons, and produced nothing but a smothered laugh, and a joke from Sheridan.--"The gentleman has brought us the knife, but where is the fork?"

MCCLXXXI.--A LONG ILLNESS.

A CLERGYMAN in the country taking his text from the fourteenth verse of the third chapter of St. Matthew: "And Peter's wife's mother lay sick of a fever," preached three Sundays on the same subject. Soon after, two country fellows going across a churchyard, and hearing the bell toll, one asked the other who it was for? "I can't exactly tell," replied he; "but it may be for Peter's wife's mother, for she has been sick of a fever these three weeks."

MCCLXXXII.--DIALOGUE IN THE WESTERN ISLANDS OF SCOTLAND.

"HOW long is this loch?"

"It will be about twanty mile."

"Twenty miles! surely it cannot be so much?"

"Maybe it will be twelve."

"It does not really seem more than four."

"Indeed, I'm thinking you're right."

"Really, you seem to know nothing about the matter."

"Troth, I canna say I do."

MCCLXXXIII.--WHAT'S IN A NAME?

SOON after Lord ----'s elevation to the peerage, he remarked that authors were often very ridiculous in the titles they gave. "That," said a distinguished writer present, "is an error from which even sovereigns appear not to be exempt."

MCCLXXXIV.--TILLOTSON.

WHO was then Archbishop of Canterbury, on King William's complaining of the shortness of his sermon, answered, "Sire, could I have bestowed more time upon it, it would not have been so long;"

MCCLXXXV.--IMPORTANT TO BACHELORS.

SOME clever fellow has invented a new kind of ink, called "the love-letter ink." It is a sure preventive against all cases of "breach of promise," as the ink fades away, and leaves the sheet blank, in about four weeks after being written upon.

MCCLXXXVI.--CHIN-SURVEYING.

A PERSON not far from Torrington, Devon, whose face is somewhat above the ordinary dimensions, has been waited on and shaved by a certain barber every day for twenty-one years, without coming to any regular settlement; the tradesman, thinking it time to wind up the account, carried in his bill, charging one penny per day, which amounted to 31l. 9s. 2d. The gentleman, thinking this rather exorbitant, made some scruple about payment, when the tonsor proposed, if his customer thought proper, to charge by the acre, at the rate of 200l. This was readily agreed to, and on measuring the premises, 192 square inches proved to be the contents, which, traversed over 7670 times, would measure 1,472,640 inches, the charge for which would be 46l. 19s. 1d.--being 15l. 9s. 11d. in favor of chin-surveying.

MCCLXXXVII.--CHANGING HATS.

BARRY the painter was with Nollekens at Rome in 1760, and they were extremely intimate. Barry took the liberty one night, when they were about to leave the English coffee-house, to exchange hats with him. Barry's was edged with lace, and Nollekens's was a very shabby, plain one. Upon his returning the hat the next morning, he was asked by Nollekens why he left him his gold-laced hat. "Why, to tell you the truth, my dear Joey," answered Barry, "I fully expected assassination last night; and I was to have been known by my laced hat." Nollekens used to relate the story, adding, "It's what the Old-Bailey people would call a true bill against Jem."

MCCLXXXVIII.--POWDER WITHOUT BALL.

DR. GOODALL, of Eton, about the same time that he was made Provost of Eton, received also a Stall at Windsor. A young lady, whilst congratulating him on his elevation, and requesting him to give a ball during the vacation, happened to touch his wig with her fan, and caused the powder to fly about; upon which the doctor exclaimed, "My dear, you see you can get the powder out of the cannon, but not the ball."

MCCLXXXIX.--POPE'S LAST ILLNESS.

DURING Pope's last illness, a squabble happened in his chamber, between his two physicians, Dr. Burton and Dr. Thomson, they mutually charging each other with hastening the death of the patient by improper prescriptions. Pope at length silenced them by saying, "Gentlemen, I only learn by your discourse that I am in a dangerous way; therefore, all I now ask is, that the following epigram may be added after my death to the next edition of the Dunciad, by way of postscript:--

'Dunces rejoice, forgive all censures past,
The greatest dunce has killed your foe at last.'"

MCCXC.--OPPOSITE TEMPERS.

GENERAL SUTTON was very passionate, and calling one morning on Sir Robert Walpole, who was quite the reverse, found his servant shaving him. During the conversation, Sir Robert said, "John, you cut me"; and continued the former subject of discourse. Presently he said again, "John, you cut me"; but as mildly as before: and soon after he had occasion to say it a third time; when Sutton, starting up in a rage, said, swearing a great oath, and doubling his fist at the servant, "If Sir Robert can bear it, I cannot; and if you cut him once more, John, I'll knock you down."

MCCXCI.--A CONJUGAL CONCLUSION.

A WOMAN having fallen into a river, her husband went to look for her, proceeding up the stream from the place where she fell in. The bystanders asked him if he was mad,--she could not have gone against the stream. The man answered, "She was obstinate and contrary in her life, and no doubt she was the same at her death."

MCCXCII.--A QUEER EXPRESSION.

A POOR but clever student in the University of Glasgow was met by one of the Professors, who noticing the scantiness of his academical toga, said, "Mr. ----, your gown is very short."--"It will be long enough, sir, before I get another," replied the student. The answer tickled the Professor greatly, and he went on quietly chuckling to himself, when he met a brother Professor, who, noticing his hilarity, inquired what was amusing him so much. "Why, that fellow ---- said such a funny thing. I asked why his gown was so short, and he said, 'it will be a long time before I get another.'"--"There's nothing very funny in that."--"Well, no," replied the other, "there is not, after all. But it was the way he said it."

MCCXCIII.--AN IRISHMAN'S NOTION OF DISCOUNT.

IT chanced, one gloomy day in the month of December, that a good-humored Irishman applied to a merchant to discount a bill of exchange for him at rather a long though not an unusual date; and the merchant having casually remarked that the bill had a great many days to run, "That's true," replied the Irishman, "but consider how short the days are at this time of the year."

MCCXCIV.--A PARTICIPATION IN A PRACTICAL JOKE.

SOME unlucky lads in the University bearing a spite to the dean for his severity towards them, went secretly one night and daubed the rails of his staircase with tar. The dean coming down in the dark, dirtied his hands and coat very much with the tar; and, being greatly enraged, he sent for one most suspected to be the author. This the lad utterly denied; but said, "Truly, I did it not; but if you please, I can tell you who had a hand in it." Here they thought to have found out the truth, and asked him who. The lad answered, "Your worship, sir"; which caused him to be dismissed with great applause for his ingenuity.

MCCXCV.--INGRATITUDE.

WHEN Lord B---- died, a person met an old man who was one of his most intimate friends. He was pale, confused, awe-stricken. Every one was trying to console him, but in vain. "His loss," he exclaimed, "does not affect me so much as his horrible ingratitude. Would you believe it? he died without leaving me anything in his will,--I, who have dined with him, at his own house, three times a week for thirty years;"

MCCXCVI.--A PREFIX.

WHEN Lord Melcombe's name was plain Bubb, he was intended by the administration to be sent ambassador to Spain. Lord Chesterfield met him, and told him he was not a fit person to be representative of the crown of England at the Spanish court, on account of the shortness of his name, as the Spaniards pride themselves on the length of their titles, "unless," added his lordship, "you don't mind calling yourself Silly-Bubb;"

MCCXCVII.--A GOOD MIXTURE.

AN eminent painter was once asked what he mixed his colors with in order to produce so extraordinary an effect. "I mix them with brains, sir!" was his answer.

MCCXCVIII.--SIR WALTER SCOTT'S PARRITCH-PAN.

IN the museum at Abbotsford there is a small Roman patera, or goblet, in showing which Sir Walter Scott tells the following story: "I purchased this" (says he) "at a nobleman's roup near by, at the enormous sum of twenty-five guineas. I would have got it for twenty-pence if an antiquary who knew its value had not been there and opposed me. However, I was almost consoled for the bitter price it cost by the amusement I derived from an old woman, who had evidently come from a distance to purchase some trifling culinary articles, and who had no taste for the antique. At every successive guinea which we bade for the patera this good old lady's mouth grew wider and wider with unsophisticated astonishment, until at last I heard her mutter to herself, in a tone which I shall never forget,--'Five-an-twenty guineas! If the parritch-pan gangs at that, what will the kail-pan gang for;'"

MCCXCIX.--HORNE TOOKE AND WILKES.

HORNE TOOKE having challenged Wilkes, who was then Sheriff of London and Middlesex, received the following laconic reply: "Sir, I do not think it my business to cut the throat of every desperado that may be tired of his life; but, as I am at present High Sheriff of the city of London, it may happen that I shall shortly have an opportunity of attending you in my official capacity, in which case I will answer for it that you shall have no ground to complain of my endeavors to serve you."

MCCC.--A LITERARY RENDERING.

A SCOTCH lady gave her servant very particular instructions regarding visitors, explaining, that they were to be shown into the drawing-room, and no doubt used the Scotticism, "Carry any ladies that call up stairs." On the arrival of the first visitors, Donald was eager to show his strict attention to the mistress's orders. Two ladies came together, and Donald, seizing one in his arms, said to the other, "Bide ye there till I come for ye," and, in spite of her struggles and remonstrances, ushered the terrified visitor into his mistress's presence in this unwonted fashion.

MCCCI.--TEMPERANCE CRUETS.

THE late James Smith might often be seen at the Garrick Club, restricting himself at dinner to a half-pint of sherry; whence he was designated an incorporated temperance society. The late Sir William Aylett, a grumbling member of the Union, and a two-bottle-man, observing Mr. Smith to be thus frugally furnished, eyed his cruet with contempt, and exclaimed: "So I see you have got one of those life-preservers;"

MCCCII.--DR GLYNN'S RECEIPT FOR DRESSING A CUCUMBER.

DR. GLYNN, whose name is still remembered in Cambridge, being one day in attendance on a lady, in the quality of her physician, took the liberty of lecturing her on the impropriety of eating cucumber, of which she was immoderately fond, and gave her the following humorous receipt for dressing them: "Peel the cucumber," said the doctor, "with great care; then cut it into very thin slices, pepper and salt it well, and then--throw it away."

MCCCIII.--"WHAT'S A HAT WITHOUT A HEAD?"

CAPTAIN INNES of the Guards (usually called Jock Innes by his contemporaries) was with others getting ready for Flushing, or some of those expeditions at the beginning of the great war. His commanding officer remonstrated about the badness of his hat, and recommended a new one. "Na! na! bide a wee," said Jock; "whare we're ga'in', faith there'll soon be mair hats nor heads."

MCCCIV.--SEVERE REBUKE.

SIR WILLIAM B. being at a parish meeting, made some proposals which were objected to by a farmer. Highly enraged, "Sir," said he to the farmer, "do you know that I have been at two universities, and at two colleges in each university?"--"Well, sir," replied the farmer, "what of that? I had a calf that sucked two cows, and the observation I made was, the more he sucked the greater calf he grew."

MCCCV.--HORSES TO GRASS.

IN an Irish paper was an advertisement for horses to stand at livery, on the following terms:--

Long-tailed horses, at 3s. 6d. per week.
Short-tailed horses at 3s. per week.

On inquiry into the cause of the difference, it was answered, that the horses with long tails could brush the flies off their backs while eating, whereas the short-tailed horses were obliged to take their heads from the manger.

MCCCVI.--INADVERTENCE AND EPICURISM.

WHEN the Duke of Wellington was at Paris, as Commander of the Allied Armies, he was invited to dine with Cambacères, one of the most distinguished statesmen and gourmets of the time of Napoleon. In the course of dinner, his host having helped him to some particularly recherché dish, expressed a hope that he found it agreeable. "Very good," said the Duke, who was probably reflecting on Waterloo; "very good, but I really do not care what I eat."--"Don't care what you eat!" exclaimed Cambacères, as he started back, and dropped his fork; "what did you come here for, then!"

MCCCVII.--VERY TRUE.

"ALL that is necessary for the enjoyment of sausages at breakfast is confidence."

MCCCVIII.--A JEW'S EYE TO BUSINESS.

A JEW, who was condemned to be hanged, was brought to the gallows, and was just on the point of being turned off, when a reprieve arrived. When informed of this, it was expected he would instantly have quitted the cart, but he stayed to see a fellow-prisoner hanged; and being asked why he did not get about his business, he said, "he waited to see if he could bargain with Mr. Ketch for the other gentleman's clothes."

MCCCIX.--ST. PETER A BACHELOR.

IN the list of benefactors to Peter-House is Lady Mary Ramsay, who is reported to have offered a very large property, nearly equal to a new foundation to this college, on condition that the name should be changed to Peter and Mary's; but she was thwarted in her intention by Dr. Soame, then master. "Peter," said the crabbed humorist, "has been too long a bachelor to think of a female companion in his old days."

MCCCX.--TRUE OF BOTH.

"I SWEAR," said a gentleman to his mistress, "you are very handsome."--"Pooh!" said the lady, "so you would say if you did not think so."--"And so you would think," answered he, "though I should not say so."

MCCCXI.--A POSER.

A LECTURER, wishing to explain to a little girl the manner in which a lobster casts his shell when he has outgrown it, said, "What do you do when you have outgrown your clothes? You throw them aside, don't you?"--"O no!" replied the little one, "we let out the tucks;" The doctor confessed she had the advantage of him there.

MCCCXII.--VERY APPROPRIATE.

A FACETIOUS old gentleman, who thought his two sons consumed too much time in hunting and shooting, styled them Nimrod and Ramrod.

MCCCXIII.--A BAD JUDGE.

UPON the occasion of the birth of the Princess Royal, the Duke of Wellington was in the act of leaving Buckingham Palace, when he met Lord Hill; in answer to whose inquiries about Her Majesty and the little stranger, his grace replied, "Very fine child, and very red, very red; nearly as red as you, Hill;" a jocose allusion to Lord Hill's claret complexion.

MCCCXIV.--WHITE HANDS.

IN a country market a lady, laying her hand upon a joint of veal, said, "Mr. Smallbone, I think this veal is not quite so white as usual."--"Put on your gloves, madam," replied the butcher, "and you will think differently." The lady did so, and the veal was ordered home immediately.

MCCCXV.--TRUE TO THE LETTER.

IT may be all very well to say that the office of a tax-gatherer needs no great ability for the fulfilment of its duties, but there is no employment which requires such constant application.

MCCCXVI.--SIR WALTER SCOTT AND CONSTABLE.

SCOTT is known to have profited much by Constable's bibliographical knowledge, which was very extensive. The latter christened "Kenilworth," which Scott named "Cumnor Hall." John Ballantyne objected to the former title, and told Constable the result would be "something worthy of the kennel"; but the result proved the reverse. Mr. Cadell relates that Constable's vanity boiled over so much at this time, on having his suggestions gone into, that, in his high moods, he used to stalk up and down his room, and exclaim, "By Jove, I am all but the author of the Waverley Novels!"

MCCCXVII.--TRUE PHILOSOPHY.

LE SAGE, the author of Gil Blas, said, to console himself for his deafness, with his usual humor, "When I go into a company where I find a great number of blockheads and babblers, I replace my trumpet in my pocket, and cry, 'Now, gentlemen, I defy you all.'"

MCCCXVIII.--ANSWERED AT ONCE.

A SCOTCH clergyman preaching a drowsy sermon, asked, "What is the price of earthly pleasure?" The deacon, a fat grocer, woke up hastily from a sound sleep, and cried out, lustily, "Seven-and-sixpence a dozen!"

MCCCXIX.--A DEADLY WEAPON.

"WELL, sir," asked a noisy disputant, "don't you think that I have mauled my antagonist to some purpose?"--"O yes," replied a listener, "you have,--and if ever I should happen to fight with the Philistines, I'll borrow your jaw-bone;"

MCCCXX.--EQUALITY OF THE LAW.

THE following cannot be omitted from a Jest Book, although somewhat lengthy:--

A man was convicted of bigamy, and the annexed conversation took place.--Clerk of Assize: "What have you to say why judgment should not be passed upon you according to law?" Prisoner: "Well, my Lord, my wife took up with a hawker, and run away five years ago, and I've never seen her since, and I married this other woman last winter." Mr. Justice Maule: "I will tell you what you ought to have done; and if you say you did not know, I must tell you the law conclusively presumes that you did. You ought to have instructed your attorney to bring an action against the hawker for criminal conversation with your wife. That would have cost you about £100. When you had recovered substantial damages against the hawker, you would have instructed your proctor to sue in the Ecclesiastical Courts for a divorce à mensa atque thoro. That would have cost you £200 or £300 more. When you had obtained a divorce à mensa atque thoro, you would have had to appear by counsel before the House of Lords for a divorce à vinculo matrimonii. The bill might have been opposed in all its stages in both Houses of Parliament; and altogether you would have had to spend about £1000 or £1200. You will probably tell me that you never had a thousand farthings of your own in the world; but, prisoner, that makes no difference. Sitting here as a British judge, it is my duty to tell you that this is not a country in which there is one law for the rich and another for the poor."

MCCCXXI.--OPEN CONFESSION.

IN a cause tried in the Court of Queen's Bench, the plaintiff being a widow, and the defendants two medical men who had treated her for delirium tremens, and put her under restraint as a lunatic, witnesses were called on the part of the plaintiff to prove that she was not addicted to drinking. The last witness called by Mr. Montagu Chambers, the leading counsel on the part of the plaintiff, was Dr. Tunstal, who closed his evidence by describing a case of delirium tremens treated by him, in which the patient recovered in a single night. "It was," said the witness, "a case of gradual drinking, sipping all day, from morning till night." These words were scarcely uttered, than Mr. Chambers, turning to the Bench, said, "My lord, that is my case."