The Jest Book

9. The Birth Of A Prince

DCCCXV.--THE BIRTH OF A PRINCE.

JERROLD was at a party when the Park guns announced the birth of a prince. "How they do powder these babies!" Jerrold exclaimed.

DCCCXVI.--SETTING HIM UP TO KNOCK HIM DOWN.

TOM MOORE, observing himself to be eyed by two handsome young ladies, inquired of a friend, who was near enough to hear their remarks, what it was they said of him. "Why, the taller one observed that she was delighted to have had the pleasure of seeing so famous a personage."--"Indeed!" said the gratified poet, "anything more?"--"Yes: she said she was the more pleased because she had taken in your celebrated 'Almanac' for the last five or six years!"

DCCCXVII.--BRIEF CORRESPONDENCE.

MRS. FOOTE, mother of Aristophanes, experienced the caprice of fortune nearly as much as her son. The following laconic letters passed between them: "Dear Sam, I am in prison."--Answer: "Dear mother, so am I."

DCCCXVIII.--MAN-TRAPS.

IT being unlawful to set man-traps and spring-guns, a gentleman once hit upon a happy device. He was a scholar, and being often asked the meaning of mysterious words compounded from the Greek, that appear in every day's newspaper, and finding they always excited wonder by their length and sound, he had painted on a board, and put up on his premises, in very large letters, the following: "Tondapamubomenos set up in these grounds." It was perfectly a "patent safety."

DCCCXIX.--A COLORABLE EXCUSE.

A LADY who painted her face, asked Parsons how he thought she looked. "I can't tell, madam," he replied, "except you uncover your face."

DCCCXX.--CONSISTENCY.

NO wonder Tory landlords flout
"Fixed Duty," for 'tis plain
With them the Anti-Corn-Law Bill
Must go against the grain.

DCCCXXI.--A WONDERFUL CURE.

DOCTOR HILL, a notorious wit, physician, and man of letters, having quarrelled with the members of the Royal Society, who had refused to admit him as an associate, resolved to avenge himself. At the time that Bishop Berkeley had issued his work on the marvellous virtues of tar-water, Hill addressed to their secretary a letter purporting to be from a country-surgeon, and reciting the particulars of a cure which he had effected. "A sailor," he wrote, "broke his leg, and applied to me for help. I bound together the broken portions, and washed them with the celebrated tar-water. Almost immediately the sailor felt the beneficial effects of this remedy, and it was not long before his leg was completely healed;" The letter was read, and discussed at the meetings of the Royal Society, and caused considerable difference of opinion. Papers were written for and against the tar-water and the restored leg, when a second letter arrived from the (pretended) country practitioner:--"In my last I omitted to mention that the broken limb of the sailor was a wooden leg;"

DCCCXXII.--AN ACCOMMODATING PHYSICIAN.

"IS there anything the matter with you?" said a physician to a person who had sent for him. "O dear, yes, I am ill all over, but I don't know what it is, and I have no particular pain nowhere," was the reply. "Very well," said the doctor, "I'll give you something to take away all that."

DCCCXXIII.--CHOICE SPIRITS.

AN eminent spirit-merchant in Dublin announced, in one of the Irish papers, that he has still a small quantity of the whiskey on sale which was drunk by his late Majesty while in Dublin.

DCCCXXIV.--AN EXPLANATION.

YOUNG, the author of "Night Thoughts," paid a visit to Potter, son of Archbishop Potter, who lived in a deep and dirty part of Kent, through which Young had scrambled with some difficulty and danger. "Whose field was that I crossed?" asked Young, on reaching his friend. "Mine," said Potter. "True," replied the poet; "Potter's field to bury strangers in."

DCCCXXV.--IMPROMPTU BY R.B. SHERIDAN.

LORD ERSKINE having once asserted, in the presence of Lady Erskine and Mr. Sheridan, that a wife was only a tin canister tied to one's tail, Sheridan at once presented her these lines,--

Lord Erskine at woman presuming to rail,
Calls a wife "a tin canister tied to one's tail;"
And fair Lady Anne, while the subject he carries on,
Seems hurt at his lordship's degrading comparison.
But wherefore "degrading?" Considered aright,
A canister's useful, and polished, and bright;
And should dirt its original purity hide,
'Tis the fault of the puppy to whom it is tied.

DCCCXXVI.--LAW AND PHYSIC.

A LEARNED judge being asked the difference between law and equity courts, replied, "At common law you are done for at once: at equity, you are not so easily disposed of. One is prussic acid, and the other laudanum."

DCCCXXVII.--IMPROMPTU.

COUNSELLOR (afterwards Chief Justice) BUSHE, being on one occasion asked which of a company of actors he most admired, maliciously replied, "The prompter, sir, for I have heard the most and seen the least of him."

DCCCXXVIII.--NOTIONS OF HAPPINESS.

"WERE I but a king," said a country boy, "I would eat my fill of fat bacon, and swing upon a gate all day long."

DCCCXXIX.--A FORGETFUL MAN.

WHEN Jack was poor, the lad was frank and free.
Of late he's grown brimful of pride and pelf;
No wonder that he don't remember me;
Why so? you see he has forgot himself.

DCCCXXX.--REPUTATION.

REPUTATION is to notoriety what real turtle is to mock.

DCCCXXXI.--AN UNFORTUNATE LOVER.

IT was asked by a scholar why Master Thomas Hawkins did not marry Miss Blagrove; he was answered, "He couldn't master her, so he missed her."

DCCCXXXII.--EPIGRAM.

THE jolly members of a toping club
Like pipe-staves are, but hooped into a tub;
And in a close confederacy link
For nothing else, but only to hold drink.

DCCCXXXIII.--A BAD LOT.

THE household furniture of an English barrister, then recently deceased, was being sold, in a country town, when one neighbor remarked to another that the stock of goods and chattels appeared to be extremely scanty, considering the rank of the lawyer, their late owner. "It is so," was the reply; "but the fact is, he had very few causes, and therefore could not have many effects."

DCCCXXXIV.--FILIAL AFFECTION.

TWO ladies who inhabit Wapping were having some words together on the pavement, when the daughter of one of them popped her head out of the door, and exclaimed "Hurry, mother, and call her a thief before she calls you one."

DCCCXXXV.--LEG WIT.

ONE night Erskine was hastening out of the House of Commons, when he was stopped by a member going in, who accosted him, "Who's up, Erskine?"--"Windham," was the reply. "What's he on?"--"His legs," answered the wit.

DCCCXXXVI.--EPIGRAM ON DR. GLYNN'S BEAUTY.

"THIS morning, quite dead, Tom was found in his bed,
Although he was hearty last night;
'Tis thought having seen Dr. Glynn in a dream,
The poor fellow died of affright."

DCCCXXXVII.--A SINECURE.

ONE Patrick Maguire had been appointed to a situation the reverse of a place of all work; and his friends, who called to congratulate him, were very much astonished to see his face lengthened on the receipt of the news. "A sinecure is it?" exclaimed Pat. "Sure I know what a sinecure is: it's a place where there's nothing to do, and they pay you by the piece."

DCCCXXXVIII.--A GOOD JAIL DELIVERY.

BROTHER DAVID DEWAR was a plain, honest, straightforward man, who never hesitated to express his convictions, however unpalatable they might be to others. Being elected a member of the Prison Board, he was called upon to give his vote in the choice of a chaplain from the licentiates of the Established Kirk. The party who had gained the confidence of the Board had proved rather an indifferent preacher in a charge to which he had previously been appointed; and on David being asked to signify his assent to the choice of the Board, he said, "Weel, I've no objections to the man, for I understand he preached a kirk toom (empty) already, and if he be as successful in the jail, he'll maybe preach it vawcant as weel."

DCCCXXXIX.--WHERE IS THE AUDIENCE?

THE manager of a country theatre looked into the house between the acts, and turned with a face of dismay to the prompter, with the question of, "Why, good gracious, where's the audience?"--"Sir," replied the prompter, without moving a muscle, "he is just now gone to get some beer." The manager wiped the perspiration from his brow and said, "Will he return do you think?"--"Most certainly; he expresses himself highly satisfied with the play, and applauded as one man."--"Then let business proceed," exclaimed the manager, proudly; and it did proceed.

DCCCXL.--KNOWING BEST.

"I WISH, reverend father," said Curran to Father O'Leary, "that you were St. Peter, and had the keys of heaven, because then you could let me in."--"By my honor and conscience," replied O'Leary, "it would be better for you that I had the keys of the other place, for then I could let you out."

DCCCXLI.--AGRICULTURAL EXPERIENCES.

THE late Bishop Blomfield, when a Suffolk clergyman, asked a school-boy what was meant in the Catechism by succoring his father and mother. "Giving on 'em milk," was the prompt reply.

DCCCXLII.--PARLIAMENTARY REPRIMAND.

IN the reign of George II., Mr. Crowle, a counsel of some eminence, was summoned to the bar of the House of Commons to receive a reprimand from the Speaker, on his knees. As he rose from the ground, with the utmost nonchalance he took out his handkerchief, and, wiping his knees, cooly observed, "that it was the dirtiest house he had ever been in in his life."

DCCCXLIII.--A STOP WATCH.

A GENTLEMAN missing his watch in a crowd at the theatre, observed, with great coolness, that he should certainly recover it, having bought it of a friend who had introduced it to the particular acquaintance of every Pawnbroker within the Bills of Mortality.

DCCCXLIV.--SIR ANTHONY MALONE.

LORD MANSFIELD used to remark that a lawyer could do nothing without his fee. This is proved by the following fact: Sir Anthony Malone, some years ago Attorney-General of Ireland, was a man of abilities in his profession, and so well skilled in the practice of conveyancing that no person ever entertained the least doubt of the validity of a title that had undergone his inspection; on which account he was generally applied to by men of property in transactions of this nature. It is, however, no less singular than true, that such was the carelessness and inattention of this great lawyer in matters of this sort that related to himself, that he made two bad bargains, for want only of the same attentive examination of the writings for which he was celebrated, in one of which he lost property to the amount of three thousand pounds a year. Disturbed by these losses, whenever for the future he had a mind to purchase an estate for himself, he gave the original writings to his principal clerk, who made a correct transcript of them; this transcript was then handed to Sir Anthony, and five guineas (his fee) along with it, which was regularly charged to him by the clerk. Sir Anthony then went over the deeds with his accustomed accuracy and discernment, and never after that was possessed of a bad title.

DCCCXLV.--THE ORATORS.

TO wonder now at Balaam's ass, is weak;
Is there a day that asses do not speak?

DCCCXLVI.--MODERN ACTING.

JERROLD was told that a certain well-puffed tragedian, who has a husky voice, was going to act Cardinal Wolsey,

Jerrold.--"Cardinal Wolsey!--Linsey Wolsey!"

DCCCXLVII.--FEW FRIENDS.

A NOBLEMAN, extremely rich but a miser, stopping to change horses at Athlone, the carriage was surrounded by paupers, imploring alms, to whom he turned a deaf ear, and drew up the glass. A ragged old woman, going round to the other side of the carriage, bawled out, in the old peer's hearing, "Please you, my lord, just chuck one tin-penny out of your coach, and I'll answer it will trait all your friends in Athlone."

DCCCXLVIII.--DIFFIDENCE.

AN Irishman charged with an assault, was asked by the judge whether he was guilty or not. "How can I tell," was the reply, "till I have heard the evidence?"

DCCCXLIX.--"ESSAY ON MAN."

AT ten, a child; at twenty, wild;
At thirty, tame, if ever;
At forty, wise; at fifty, rich;
At sixty, good, or never!

DCCCL.--IN-DOOR RELIEF.

A MELTING sermon being preached in a country church, all fell a-weeping but one man, who being asked why he did not weep with the rest, said, "O no, I belong to another parish."

DCCCLI.--HIGHLAND POLITENESS.

SIR WALTER SCOTT had marked in his diary a territorial greeting of two proprietors which had amused him much. The laird of Kilspindie had met the laird of Tannachy-Tulloch, and the following compliments passed between them: "Ye're maist obedient hummil servant, Tannachy-Tulloch." To which the reply was, "Your nain man, Kilspindie."

DCCCLII.--AN ODD QUESTION.

COUNSELOR RUDD, of the Irish bar, was equally remarkable for his love of whist, and the dingy color of his linen. "My dear Dick," said Curran to him one day, "you can't think how puzzled we are to know where you buy all your dirty shirts."

DCCCLIII.--NOT INSURED AGAINST FIRE.

FOOTE went to spend his Christmas with Mr. B----, when, the weather being very cold, and but bad fires, occasioned by a scarcity of wood in the house, Foote, on the third day after he went there, ordered his chaise, and was preparing to depart. Mr. B---- pressed him to stay. "No, no," says Foote; "was I to stay any longer, you would not let me have a leg to stand on; for there is so little wood in your house, that I am afraid one of your servants may light the fire with my right leg," which was his wooden one.

DCCCLIV.--NATURAL GRIEF.

ONE hiring a lodging said to the landlady, "I assure you, madam, I am so much liked that I never left a lodging but my landlady shed tears."--"Perhaps," said she, "you always went away without paying."

DCCCLV.--A PROVERB REVERSED.

EXAMPLE is better than precept they say, With our parson the maxim should run t'other way; For so badly he acts, and so wisely he teaches, We should shun what he does, and should do what he preaches.

DCCCLVI.--A CLOSE ESCAPE.

ONE of James Smith's favorite anecdotes related to Colonel Greville. The Colonel requested young James to call at his lodgings, and in the course of their first interview related the particulars of the most curious circumstance in his life. He was taken prisoner during the American war, along with three other officers of the same rank: one evening they were summoned into the presence of Washington, who announced to them that the conduct of their Government, in condemning one of his officers to death, as a rebel, compelled him to make reprisals; and that, much to his regret, he was under the necessity of requiring them to cast lots, without delay, to decide which of them should be hanged. They were then bowed out, and returned to their quarters. Four slips of paper were put into a hat, and the shortest was drawn by Captain Asgill, who exclaimed, "I knew how it would be; I never won so much as a hit at backgammon in my life." As Greville was selected to sit up with Captain Asgill, "And what," inquired Smith, "did you say to comfort him?"--"Why, I remember saying to him, when they left us, 'D---- it, old fellow, never mind;'" But it may be doubted (added Smith) whether he drew much comfort from the exhortation. Lady Asgill persuaded the French Minister to interpose, and the Captain was permitted to escape.

DCCCLVII.--A HARD HIT.

MAJOR B----, a great gambler, said to Foote, "Since I last saw you, I have lost an eye."--"I am sorry for it," said Foote, "pray at what game?"

DCCCLVIII.--THE TIME OUT OF JOINT.

SOME one who had been down in Lord Kenyon's kitchen, remarked that he saw the spit shining as bright as if it had never been used. "Why do you mention his spit?" said Jekyll; "you must know that nothing turns upon that." In reference to the same noble lord, Jekyll observed, "It was Lent all the year round in the kitchen, and Passion week in the parlor."

DCCCLIX.--MONEY'S WORTH.

A SOLDIER, having retired from service, thought to raise a few pounds by writing his adventures. Having completed the manuscript, he offered it to a bookseller for forty pounds. It was a very small volume, and the bookseller was much surprised at his demand. "My good sir," replied the author, "as a soldier I have always resolved to sell my life as dearly as possible."

DCCCLX.--HIS WAY--OUT.

SIR RICHARD JEBB, the famous physician, who was very rough and harsh in his manner, once observed to a patient to whom he had been extremely rude, "Sir, it is my way."--"Then," returned his indignant patient, pointing to the door, "I beg you will make that your way;"

DCCCLXI.--A GROWL.

HE that's married once may be
Pardoned his infirmity.
He that marries twice is mad:
But, if you can find a fool
Marrying thrice, don't spare the lad,--
Flog him, flog him back to school.

DCCCLXII.--A MODERN SCULPTOR.

BROWN and Smith were met by an overdressed individual, "Do you know that chap, Smith?" said Brown. "Yes, I know him; that is, I know of him,--he's a sculptor."--"Such a fellow as that a sculptor; surely you must be mistaken."--"He may not be the kind of one you mean, but I know that he chiselled a tailor--out of a suit of clothes last week."

DCCCLXIII.--A DIFFICULT TASK.

"YOU have only yourself to please," said a married friend to an old bachelor. "True," replied he, "but you cannot tell what a difficult task I find it."

DCCCLXIV.--THE GOUTY SHOE.

JAMES SMITH used to tell, with great glee, a story showing the general conviction of his dislike to ruralities. He was sitting in the library at a country-house, when a gentleman proposed a quiet stroll in the pleasure-grounds:--

"Stroll! why, don't you see my gouty shoe?"

"Yes, I see that plain enough, and I wish I'd brought one too; but they are all out now."

"Well, and what then?"

"What then? why, my dear fellow, you don't mean to say that you have really got the gout? I thought you had only put on that shoe to get off being shown over the improvements."

DCCCLXV.--A LUSUS NATURÆ.

AN agricultural society offered premiums to farmers' daughters, "girls under twenty-one years of age," who should exhibit the best lots of butter, not less than 10 lbs. "That is all right," said an old maid, "save the insinuation that some girls are over twenty-one years of age."

DCCCLXVI.--A CASE OF NECESSITY.

A SHOPKEEPER, who had stuck up a notice in glaring capitals, "Selling off! Must close on Saturday!" was asked by a friend, "What! are you selling off?"--"Yes, all the shopkeepers are selling off, ain't they?"--"But you say, 'Must close on Saturday.'"--"To be sure; would you have me keep open on Sunday!"

DCCCLXVII.--SPECIES AND SPECIE.

IN preaching a charity sermon, Sydney Smith frequently repeated the assertion that, of all nations, Englishmen were most distinguished for their generosity, and the love of their species. The collection happened to be inferior to his expectation, and he said that he had evidently made a great mistake; for that his expression should have been, that they were distinguished for the love of their specie.

DCCCLXVIII.--DR. JOHNSON.

WHEN Dr. Johnson courted Mrs. Potter, whom he afterwards married, he told her that he was of mean extraction; that he had no money; and that he had had an uncle hanged! The lady, by way of reducing herself to an equality with the Doctor, replied, that she had no more money than himself; and that, though she had not had a relation hanged, she had fifty who deserved hanging.

DCCCLXIX.--THE POET FOILED.

TO win the maid the poet tries,
And sonnets writes to Julia's eyes,
She likes a verse, but, cruel whim,
She still appears a-verse to him.

DCCCLXX.--A COMEDIAN AND A LAWYER.

A FEW years ago, when Billy Burton, the American actor, was in his "trouble," a young lawyer was examining him as to how he had spent his money. There was about three thousand pounds unaccounted for, when the attorney put on a severe scrutinizing face, and exclaimed, with much self-complacency,--"Now, sir, I want you to tell this court and jury how you used those three thousand pounds." Burton put on one of his serio-comic faces, winked at the audience, and exclaimed, "The lawyers got that;" The judge and audience were convulsed with laughter. The counsellor was glad to let the comedian go.

DCCCLXXI.--VICE VERSA.

IT is asserted that the bad Ministers have contracted the National Debt. This cannot be; for instead of contracting it at all, bad Ministers have most materially extended it.

DCCCLXXII.--NOTHING PERSONAL.

AT a dinner-party one day a certain knight, whose character was considered to be not altogether unexceptionable, said he would give them a toast; and looking hard in the face of Mrs. M----, who was more celebrated for wit than beauty, gave "Honest men an' bonny lasses!"--"With all my heart, Sir John," said Mrs. M----, "for it neither applies to you nor me."

DCCCLXXIII.--A HINT FOR GENEALOGISTS.

MR. MOORE, who derived his pedigree from Noah, explained it in this manner: "Noah had three sons, Shem, Ham, and one more."

DCCCLXXIV.--A MISTAKE.

OLD Dick Baldwin stoutly maintained that no man ever died of drinking. "Some puny things," he said, "have died of learning to drink, but no man ever died of drinking." Mr. Baldwin was no mean authority; for he spoke from great practical experience, and was, moreover, many years treasurer of St. Bartholomew's Hospital.

DCCCLXXV.--AN IMPOSSIBLE RENUNCIATION.

THE late Dr. Risk, of Dalserf, being one of the moderators, did not satisfy, by his preaching, the Calvinistic portion of his flock. "Why, sir," said they, "we think you dinna tell us enough about renouncing our ain righteousness."--"Renouncing your ain righteousness!" vociferated the astonished doctor, "I never saw any ye had to renounce;"

DCCCLXXVI.--THE HUMANE SOCIETY AT AN EVENING PARTY.

AT an evening party, a very elderly lady was dancing with a young partner. A stranger approached Jerrold, who was looking on, and said,--

"Pray, sir, can you tell me who is the young gentleman dancing with that very elderly lady!"

"One of the Humane Society, I should think," replied Jerrold.

DCCCLXXVII.--A PROUD HEART.

MATHEWS, whose powers in conversation and whose flow of anecdote in private life transcended even his public efforts, told a variety of tales of the Kingswood colliers (Kingswood is near Bristol), in one of which he represented an old collier, looking for some of the implements of his trade, exclaiming, "Jan, what's the mother done with the new coal-sacks?"--"Made pillows on 'em," replied the son. "Confound her proud heart!" rejoins the collier, "why could she not take th' ould ones?"

DCCCLXXVIII.--SENT HOME FREE.

A VERY considerate hotel-keeper, advertising his "Burton XXXX," concludes the advertisement: "N.B. Parties drinking more than four glasses of this potent beverage at one sitting, carefully sent home gratis in a wheelbarrow, if required."

DCCCLXXIX.--CHARLES II. AND MILTON.

CHARLES II. and his brother James went to see Milton, to reproach him, and finished a profusion of insults with saying, "You old villain! your blindness is the visitation of Providence for your sins."--"If Providence," replied the venerable bard, "has punished my sins with blindness, what must have been the crimes of your father which it punished with death;"

DCCCLXXX.--WHOSE?

SYDNEY SMITH being ill, his physician advised him to "take a walk upon an empty stomach."--"Upon whose?" said he.

DCCCLXXXI.--"PUPPIES NEVER SEE TILL THEY ARE NINE DAYS OLD."

IT is related, that when a former Bishop of Bristol held the office of Vice-Chancellor of the University of Cambridge, he one day met a couple of undergraduates, who neglected to pay the accustomed compliment of capping. The bishop inquired the reason of the neglect. The two men begged his lordship's pardon, observing they were freshmen, and did not know him. "How long have you been in Cambridge?" asked his lordship. "Only eight days," was the reply. "Very good," said the bishop, "puppies never see till they are nine days old."

DCCCLXXXII.--EPIGRAM.

(On Lord W----'s saying the independence of the House of Lords is gone.)

"THE independence of the Lords is gone,"
Says W----, to truth for once inclined;
And to believe his lordship I am prone,
Seeing that he himself is left behind.

DCCCLXXXIII.--CONFIDENCE--TAKEN FROM THE FRENCH.

ON the first night of the representation of one of Jerrold's pieces, a successful adaptator from the French rallied him on his nervousness. "I," said the adaptator, "never feel nervous on the first night of my pieces."--"Ah, my boy," Jerrold replied, "you are always certain of success. Your pieces have all been tried before."

DCCCLXXXIV.--BETTER KNOWN THAN TRUSTED.

A WELL-KNOWN borrower stopped a gentleman whom he did not know, and requested the loan of a sovereign. "Sir," said the gentleman, "I am surprised that you should ask me such a favor, who do not know you."--"O, dear sir," replied the borrower, "that's the very reason; for those who do, will not lend me a farthing."

DCCCLXXXV.--WILL AND THE WAY.

AT a provincial Law Society's dinner the president called upon the senior attorney to give as a toast the person whom he considered the best friend of the profession. "Certainly," was the response. "The man who makes his own will."

DCCCLXXXVI.--A REASONABLE EXCUSE.

A PERSON lamented the difficulty he found in persuading his friends to return the volumes which he had lent them. "Sir," replied a friend, "your acquaintances find it is much more easy to retain the books themselves, than what is contained in them."

DCCCLXXXVII.--BEWICK, THE ENGRAVER.

WHEN the Duke of Northumberland first called to see Mr. Bewick's workshops at Newcastle, he was not personally known to the engraver. On discovering the high rank of his visitor, Bewick exclaimed, "I beg pardon, my lord, I did not know your grace, and was unaware I had the honor of talking to so great a man." To which the Duke good humoredly replied, "You are a much greater man than I am, Mr. Bewick." To this Bewick answered, "No, my lord: but were I Duke of Northumberland, perhaps I could be."

DCCCLXXXVIII.--SUMMARY DECISION.

MR. BROUGHAM, when at the bar, opened before Lord Chief Justice Tenterden an action for the amount of a wager laid upon the event of a dog-fight, which, through some unwillingness of dogs or men, had not been brought to an issue. "We, my lord," said the advocate, "were minded that the dogs should fight."--"Then I," replied the Judge, "am minded to hear no more of it:" and he called another cause.

DCCCLXXXIX.--A DISAPPOINTING SUBSCRIBER.

TO all letters soliciting "subscriptions," Lord Erskine had a regular form of reply, namely: "Sir, I feel much honored by your application to me, and beg to subscribe" (here the reader had to turn over leaf) "Myself, your very obedient servant," etc.

DCCCXC.--HABEAS CORPUS ACT.

BISHOP BURNET relates a curious circumstance respecting the origin of that important statute, the Habeas Corpus Act. "It was carried," says he, "by an odd artifice in the House of Lords. Lord Grey and Lord Norris were named to be the tellers. Lord Norris was not at all times attentive to what he was doing; so a very fat lord coming in, Lord Grey counted him for ten, as a jest at first; but seeing Lord Norris had not observed it, he went on with this misreckoning of ten; so it was reported to the House, and declared that they who were for the bill were the majority, and by this means the bill passed."

DCCCXCI.--A RUNAWAY KNOCK.

DOUGLAS JERROLD describing a very dangerous illness from which he had just recovered, said--"Ay, sir, it was a runaway knock at Death's door, I can assure you."

DCCCXCII.--COMMON POLITENESS.

TWO gentlemen having a difference, one went to the other's door and wrote "Scoundrel!" upon it. The other called upon his neighbor, and was answered by a servant that his master was not at home. "No matter," was the reply; "I only wished to return his visit, as he left his name at my door in the morning."

DCCCXCIII.--THE WHEEL OF FORTUNE.

JEKYLL saw in Colman's chambers a squirrel in the usual round cage. "Ah! poor devil," said Jekyll, "he's going the Home Circuit."

DCCCXCIV.--A SOPORIFIC.

A SPENDTHRIFT being sold up, Foote, who attended every day, bought nothing but a pillow; on which a gentleman asked him, "What particular use he could have for a single pillow?"--"Why," said Foote, "I do not sleep very well at night, and I am sure this must give me many a good nap, when the proprietor of it (though he owed so much) could sleep upon it."

DCCCXCV.--CHARITABLE WIT.

WIT in an influential form was displayed by the Quaker gentleman soliciting subscription for a distressed widow, for whom everybody expressed the greatest sympathy. "Well," said he, "everybody declares he is sorry for her; I am truly sorry--I am sorry five pounds. How much art thou sorry, friend? and thou? and thou?" He was very successful, as may be supposed. One of those to whom the case was described said he felt very much, indeed, for the poor widow. "But hast thou felt in thy pocket?" inquired the "Friend."

DCCCXCVI.--USE IS SECOND NATURE.

A TAILOR that was ever accustomed to steal some of the cloth his customer brought, when he came one day to make himself a suit, stole half-a-yard. His wife perceiving it, asked the reason; "Oh," said he, "it is to keep my hands in use, lest at any time I should forget it."

DCCCXCVII.--EPIGRAM.

(On a certain M.P.'s indisposition.)

HASTE son of Celsus, P--rc--v--l is ill;
Dissect an ass before you try your skill.

DCCCXCVIII.--LIQUID REMEDY FOR BALDNESS.

USE brandy externally until the hair grows, and then take it internally to clinch the roots.

DCCCXCIX.--AN INGENIOUS DEVICE.

THE Irish girl told her forbidden lover she was longing to possess his portrait, and intended to obtain it. "But how if your friends see it?" inquired he. "Ah, but I'll tell the artist not to make it like you, so they won't know it."

CM.--THE REBEL LORDS.

AT the trial of the rebel lords, George Selwyn, seeing Bethel's sharp visage looking wistfully at the prisoners, said, "What a shame it is to turn her face to the prisoners, until they are condemned!"

Some women were scolding Selwyn for going to see the execution, and asked him how he could be such a barbarian to see the head cut off? "Nay," replied he, "if that was such a crime, I am sure I have made amends; for I went to see it sewed on again."

Walpole relates: "You know Selwyn never thinks but à la tête tranchée." On having a tooth drawn, he told the man that he would drop his handkerchief for the signal.

CMI.--A CHANGE FOR THE BETTER.

"HOW are you this morning?" said Fawcett to Cooke.

"Not at all myself," says the tragedian. "Then I congratulate you," replied Fawcett; "for, be whoever else you will, you will be a gainer by the bargain."

CMII.--THE DIRECT ROAD.

WALKING to his club one evening with a friend, some intoxicated young gentleman reeled up to Douglas Jerrold, and said: "Can you tell us the way to the 'Judge and Jury?'" (a place of low entertainment). "Keep on as you are, young gentleman," was the reply, "you're sure to overtake them."

CMIII.--A SUGGESTIVE PAIR OF GRAYS.

JERROLD was enjoying a drive one day with a well-known,--a jovial spendthrift.

"Well, Jerrold," said the driver of a very fine pair of grays, "what do you think of my grays?"

"To tell you the truth," Jerrold replied, "I was just thinking of your duns!"

CMIV.--DR. JOHNSON'S OPINION OF MRS. SIDDONS.

WHEN Dr. Johnson visited Mrs. Siddons, he paid her two or three very elegant compliments. When she retired, he said to Dr. Glover, "Sir, she is a prodigiously fine woman."--"Yes," replied Dr. Glover; "but don't you think she is much finer upon the stage, when she is adorned by art?"--"Sir," said Dr. Johnson, "on the stage art does not adorn her: nature adorns her there, and art glorifies her."

CMV.--A GOOD NEIGHBOR.

THE Duke of L.'s reply, when it was observed to him, that the gentlemen bordering on his estates were continually hunting upon them, and that he ought not to suffer it, is worthy of imitation: "I had much rather," said he, "have friends than hares."

CMVI.--AN EQUIVOCATION.

A DIMINUTIVE attorney, named Else, once asked Jekyll: "Sir, I hear you have called me a pettifogging scoundrel. Have you done so, sir?"--"No, sir," said Jekyll, with a look of contempt. "I never said you were a pettifogger, or a scoundrel; but I did say you were little Else."

CMVII.--A WISE FOOL.

A PERSON wishing to test whether a daft individual, about whom a variety of opinions were entertained,--some people thinking him not so foolish as he seemed,--knew the value of money, held out a sixpence and a penny, and offered him his choice. "I'll tak' the wee ane," he says, giving as his modest reason, "I'se no' be greedy." At another time, a miller, laughing at him for his witlessness, he said, "Some things I ken, and some I dinna ken." On being asked what he knew, he said, "I ken a miller has aye a gey fat sou."--"An' what d'ye no ken?" said the miller. "Ou," he returned, "I dinna ken at wha's expense she's fed."

CMVIII.--ON A BALD HEAD.

MY hair and I are quit, d'ye see;
I first cut him, he now cuts me.

CMIX.--LIE FOR LIE.

TWO gentlemen standing together, as a young lady passed by them, one said, "There goes the handsomest woman you ever saw." She turned back, and, seeing him very ugly, said, "I wish I could, in return, say as much of you."--"So you may, madam," said he, "and lie as I did."

CMX.--A MAN WITHOUT A RIVAL.

GENERAL LEE one day found Dr. Cutting, the army surgeon, who was a handsome and dressy man, arranging his cravat complacently before a glass. "Cutting," said Lee, "you must be the happiest man in creation."--"Why, general?"--"Because," replied Lee, "you are in love with yourself, and you have not a rival upon earth."

CMXI.--ADVICE TO A DRAMATIST.

YOUR comedy I've read, my friend,
And like the half you've pilfered best;
But, sure, the Drama you might mend;
Take courage, man, and steal the rest;

CMXII.--GARRICK AND FOOTE.

"THE Lying Valet" being one hot night annexed as an afterpiece to the comedy of "The Devil upon Two Sticks," Garrick, coming into the Green Room, with exultation called out to Foote, "Well, Sam, I see, after all, you are glad to take up with one of my farces."--"Why, yes, David," rejoined the wit; "what could I do better? I must have some ventilator for this hot weather."

CMXIII.--NOTHING TO LAUGH AT.

WHEN Lord Lauderdale intimated his intentions to repeat some good thing Sheridan had mentioned to him, "Pray, don't, my dear Lauderdale," said the wit; "a joke in your mouth is no laughing matter!"

CMXIV.--QUITE AGROUND.

IT is said that poor H---- T---- has been living on his wits. He certainly must be content with very limited premises.

CMXV.--A JUDGE IN A FOG.

ONE of the judges of the King's Bench, in an argument on the construction of a will, sagely declared, "It appeared to him that the testator meant to keep a life-interest in the estate to himself."--"Very true, my lord," said Curran gravely; "but in this case I rather think your lordship takes the will for the deed."

CMXVI.--THE LETTER H.

IN a dispute, whether the letter H was really a letter or a simple aspiration, Rowland Hill contended that it was the former; adding that, if it were not a letter, it must have been a very serious affair to him, by making him ill (Hill without H) all the days of his life.

CMXVII.--ONLY ENOUGH FOR ONE.

SHERIDAN was once staying at the house of an elderly maiden lady in the country, who wanted more of his company than he was willing to give. Proposing one day to take a stroll with him, he excused himself on account of the badness of the weather. Shortly afterwards she met him sneaking out alone. "So, Mr. Sheridan," said she, "it has cleared up."--"Just a little, ma'am--enough for one, but not enough for two."

CMXVIII.--"THE RULING PASSION STRONG IN DEATH."

CURRAN'S ruling passion was his joke. In his last illness, his physician observing in the morning that he seemed to cough with more difficulty, he answered, "That is rather surprising, as I have been practising all night."

CMXIX.--EPIGRAM.

(On the charge of illegally pawning brought against Captain B----, M.P.)

IF it's true a newly made M.P.
Has coolly pawned his landlord's property,
As the said landlord certainly alleges,
No more will Radicals and Whigs divide
Upon one point, which thus we may decide,
"Some members are too much disposed for pledges."