The Jest Book

12. Too Much And Too Little

MCXXVII.--TOO MUCH AND TOO LITTLE.

TWO friends meeting after an absence of some years, during which time the one had increased considerably in bulk, and the other still resembled only the "effigy of a man,"--said the stout gentleman, "Why, Dick, you look as if you had not had a dinner since I saw you last."--"And you," replied the other, "look as if you had been at dinner ever since."

MCXXVIII.--SHARP, IF NOT PLEASANT.

AN arch boy was feeding a magpie when a gentleman in the neighborhood, who had an impediment in his speech, coming up, said, "T-T-T-Tom, can your mag t-t-talk yet?"--"Ay, sir," says the boy, "better than you, or I'd wring his head off."

MCXXIX.--AN EAST INDIAN CHAPLAINCY.

THE best history of a serpent we ever remember to have read, was of one killed near one of our settlements in the East Indies; in whose body they found the chaplain of the garrison, all in black, the Rev. Mr. ----, and who, after having been missing for above a week, was discovered in this very inconvenient situation.

MCXXX.--CONSTANCY.

CURRAN, hearing that a stingy and slovenly barrister had started for the Continent with a shirt and a guinea, observed, "He'll not change either till he comes back."

MCXXXI.--EPIGRAM.

(On hearing a prosing harangue from a certain Bishop.)

WHEN he holds forth, his reverence doth appear
So lengthily his subject to pursue,
That listeners (out of patience) often fear
He has indeed eternity in view.

MCXXXII.--SPEAKING OF SAUSAGES.

MR. SMITH passed a pork-shop the other day,--Mr. Smith whistled. The moment he did this, every sausage "wagged its tail." As a note to this, we would mention that the day before he lost a Newfoundland dog, that weighed sixty-eight pounds.

MCXXXIII.--BRINGING HIS MAN DOWN.

ROGERS used to relate this story: An Englishman and a Frenchman fought a duel in a darkened room. The Englishman, unwilling to take his antagonist's life, generously fired up the chimney, and--brought down the Frenchman. "When I tell this story in France," pleasantly added the relator, "I make the Englishman go up the chimney."

MCXXXIV.--A PERFECT BORE.

SOME ONE being asked if a certain authoress, whom he had long known, was not "a little tiresome?"--"Not at all," said he, "she was perfectly tiresome."

MCXXXV.--TOO CIVIL BY HALF.

AN Irish judge had a habit of begging pardon on every occasion. At the close of the assize, as he was about to leave the bench, the officer of the Court reminded him that he had not passed sentence of death on one of the criminals, as he had intended. "Dear me!" said his lordship, "I really beg his pardon,--bring him in."

MCXXXVI.--"OUR LANDLADY."

A LANDLADY, who exhibited an inordinate love for the vulgar fluid gin, would order her servant to get the supplies after the following fashion: "Betty, go and get a quartern loaf, and half a quartern of gin." Off started Betty. She was speedily recalled: "Betty, make it half a quartern loaf, and a quartern of gin." But Betty had never fairly got across the threshold on the mission ere the voice was again heard: "Betty, on second thoughts, you may as well make it all gin."

MCXXXVII.--THE CHURCH IN THE WAY.

DR. JOHNSON censured Gwyn, the architect, for taking down a church, which might have stood for many years, and building a new one in a more convenient place, for no other reason but that there might be a direct road to a new bridge. "You are taking," said the doctor, "a church out of the way, that the people may go in a straight line to the bridge."--"No, sir," replied Gwyn: "I am putting the church in the way, that the people may not go out of the way."

MCXXXVIII.--SAVING TIME.

A CANDIDATE at an election, who wanted eloquence, when another had, in a long and brilliant speech, promised great things, got up and said, "Electors of G----, all that he has said I will do."

MCXXXIX.--THE YOUNG IDEA.

SCHOOLMISTRESS (pointing to the first letter of the alphabet): "Come, now, what is that?" Scholar: "I sha'n't tell you." Schoolmistress: "You won't! But you must. Come, now, what is it?" Scholar: "I sha'n't tell you. I didn't come here to teach you,--but for you to teach me."

MCXL.--EPIGRAM.

TWO Harveys had a mutual wish
To please in different stations;
For one excelled in Sauce for Fish,
And one in Meditations.
Each had its pungent power applied
To aid the dead and dying;
This relishes a sole when fried,
That saves a soul from frying.

MCXLI.--EPITAPHS.

IF truth, perspicuity, wit, gravity, and every property pertaining to the ancient or modern epitaph, may be expected united in one single epitaph, it is in one made for Burbadge, the tragedian, in the days of Shakespeare,--the following being the whole,--Exit Burbadge.

Jerrold, perhaps, trumped this by his anticipatory epitaph on that excellent man and distinguished historian, Charles Knight,--"Good Knight."

MCXLII.--NATIONAL PREJUDICE.

FOOTE being told of the appointment of a Scotch nobleman, said, "The Irish, sir, take us all in, and the Scotch turn us all out."

MCXLIII.--GRANDILOQUENCE.

A BOASTING fellow was asked, "Pray, sir, what may your business be?"--"O," replied the boaster, "I am but a cork-cutter: but then it is in a very large way!"--"Indeed!" replied the other; "then I presume you are a cutter of bungs?"

MCXLIV.--THE LETTER C.

CURIOUS coincidences respecting the letter C, as connected with the Princess Charlotte, daughter of George IV.:--Her mother's name was Caroline, her own name was Charlotte; that of her consort Cobourg; she was married at Carlton House; her town residence was at Camelford House, the late owner of which, Lord Camelford, was untimely killed in a duel; her country residence Claremont, not long ago the property of Lord Clive, who ended his days by suicide; she died in Childbed, the name of her accoucheur being Croft.

MCXLV.--PRACTICAL RETORT.

IN a country theatre there were only seven persons in the house one night. The pit took offence at the miserable acting of a performer, and hissed him energetically; whereupon the manager brought his company on the stage, and out-hissed the visitors.

MCXLVI.--AN AGREEABLE PRACTICE.

DR. GARTH (so he is called in the manuscript), who was one of the Kit-Kat Club, coming there one night, declared he must soon be gone, having many patients to attend; but some good wine being produced he forgot them. When Sir Richard Steele reminded him of his patients, Garth immediately said, "It's no great matter whether I see them to-night or not; for nine of them have such bad constitutions that all the physicians in the world can't save them, and the other six have so good constitutions that all the physicians in the world can't kill them."

MCXLVII.--A REASON FOR RUNNING AWAY.

OWEN MOORE has run away,
Owing more than he can pay.

MCXLVIII.--LEGAL EXTRAVAGANCE.

"HURRAH! Hurrah!" cried a young lawyer, who had succeeded to his father's practice, "I've settled that old chancery suit at last."--"Settled it;" cried the astonished parent, "why I gave you that as an annuity for your life."

MCXLIX.--A CLAIM ON THE COUNTRY.

"AS you do not belong to my parish," said a clergyman to a begging sailor, with a wooden leg, "you cannot expect that I should relieve you."--"Sir," said the sailor, with a noble air, "I lost my leg fighting for all parishes."

MCL.--PLAIN SPEAKING.

GEORGE II., who was fond of Whiston the philosopher, one day, during his persecution, said to him, that, however right he might be in his opinions, he had better suppress them. "Had Martin Luther done so," replied the philosopher, "your majesty would not have been on the throne of England."

MCLL.--THE PLURAL NUMBER.

A BOY being asked what was the plural of "penny," replied, with great promptness and simplicity, "two-pence."

MCLII.--MAULE-PRACTICE.

A MAN having broken open a young lady's jewel-case (the offence was differently described in the indictment), pleaded that he had done so with consent. "In the future," said Mr. Justice Maule, "When you receive a lady's consent under similar circumstances, get it, if possible, in writing."

MCLIII.--VERY LIKELY.

AN English officer lost his leg at the battle of Vittoria, and after suffering amputation with the greatest courage, thus addressed his servant who was crying, or pretending to cry, in one corner of the room, "None of your hypocritical tears, you idle dog; you know you are very glad, for now you will have only one boot to clean instead of two."

MCLIV.--MUCH ALIKE.

A SAILOR was asked, "Where did your father die?"--"In a storm," answered the sailor. "And your grandfather?"--"He was drowned."--"And your great-grandfather?"--"He perished at sea."--"How, then," said the questioner, "dare you go to sea, since all your ancestors perished there? You needs must be very rash."--"Master," replied the sailor, "do me the favor of telling me where your father died?"--"Very comfortably in a bed."--"And your forefathers?"--"In the same manner,--very quietly in their beds."--"Ah! master," replied the sailor, "how, then, dare you go to bed, since all your ancestors died in it?"

MCLV.--A GOOD WIFE.

A VERY excellent lady was desired by another to teach her what secrets she had to preserve her husband's favor. "It is," replied she, "by doing all that pleases him, and by enduring patiently all that displeases me."

MCLVI.--WELLINGTON SURPRISED.

A NOBLEMAN ventured, in a moment of conviviality at his grace's table, to put this question to him: "Allow me to ask, as we are all here titled, if you were not SURPRISED at Waterloo?" To which the duke responded, "No; but I am NOW."

MCLVII.--TOO CLEVER.

A COUNTRY boy endeavored, to the utmost of his power, to make himself useful, and avoid being frequently told of many trifling things, as country lads generally are. His master having sent him down stairs for two bottles of wine, he said to him, "Well, John, have you shook them?"--"No, sir; but I will," he replied, suiting the action to the word.

MCLVIII.--A LIGHT JOKE.

AN eminent tallow-chandler was told that after his candles were burned down to the middle, not one of them would burn any longer. He was at first greatly enraged at what he deemed a gross falsehood; but the same evening he tried the experiment at home, and found it to be a fact, "that when burned to the middle, neither candle would burn any longer."

MCLIX.--A REBUKE.

A BRAGGART, whose face had been mauled in a pot-house brawl, asserted that he had received his scars in battle. "Then," said an old soldier, "be careful the next time you run away, and don't look back."

MCLX.--A MODEL PHILANTHROPIST.

"BOBBY, what does your father do for a living?"--"He's a philanthropist, sir."--"A what?"--"A phi-lan-thro-pist, sir,--he collects money for Central America, and builds houses out of the proceeds."

MCLXI.--GREAT CABBAGE.

A FOREIGNER asked an English tailor how much cloth was necessary for a suit of clothes. He replied, twelve yards. Astonished at the quantity, he went to another, who said seven would be quite sufficient. Not thinking of the exorbitancy even of this demand, all his rage was against the first tailor: so to him he went. "How did you dare, sir, ask twelve yards of cloth, to make me what your neighbor says he can do for seven?"--"Lord, sir!" replied the man, "my neighbor can easily do it, he has but three children to clothe, I have six."

MCLXII.--TRUE AND FALSE.

A BEGGAR asking alms under the name of a poor scholar, a gentleman to whom he applied himself, asked him a question in, Latin. The fellow, shaking his head, said he did not understand him. "Why," said the gentleman, "did you not say you were a poor scholar?"--"Yes," replied the other, "a poor one indeed, sir, for I do not understand one word of Latin."

MCLXIII.--NOT QUITE CORRECT.

A HUNTSMAN, reported to have lived with Mr. Beckford, was not so correct in his conversation as he was in his professional employments. One day when he had been out with the young hounds, Mr. B. sent for him, and asked what sport he had had, and how the hounds behaved. "Very great sport, sir, and no hounds could behave better."--"Did you run him long?"--"They run him up-wards of five hours successfully."--"So then you did kill him?"--"O no, sir; we lost him at last."

MCLXIV.--A FOOL CONFIRMED.

DR. PARR, who was neither very choice nor delicate in his epithets, once called a clergyman a fool, and there was probably some truth in his application of the word. The clergyman, however, being of a different opinion, declared he would complain to the bishop of the usage. "Do so," added the learned Grecian, "and my Lord Bishop will confirm you."

MCLXV.--PLEASANT.

A COUNTRY dentist advertises that "he spares no pains" to render his operations satisfactory.

MCLXVI.--ALERE FLAMMAN.

MRS. B---- desired Dr. Johnson to give his opinion of a new work she had just written, adding, that if it would not do, she begged him to tell her, for she had other irons in the fire, and in case of its not being likely to succeed, she could bring out something else. "Then," said the doctor, after having turned over a few of the leaves, "I advise you, madam, to put it where your other irons are."

MCLXVII.--ORATORY.

AT the time when Sir Richard Steele was preparing his great room in York Buildings for public orations, he was behindhand in his payments to the workmen; and coming one day among them, to see what progress they made, he ordered the carpenter to get into the rostrum, and speak anything that came uppermost, that he might observe how it could be heard. "Why then, Sir Richard," says the fellow, "here have we been working for you these six months, and cannot get one penny of money. Pray, sir, when do you mean to pay us?"--"Very well, very well," said Sir Richard; "pray come down; I have heard quite enough; I cannot but own you speak very distinctly, though I don't much admire your subject."

MCLXVIII.--SOLDIERS' WIVES.

THE late Duchess of York having desired her housekeeper to seek out a new laundress, a decent-looking woman was recommended to the situation. "But," said the housekeeper, "I am afraid she will not suit your royal highness, as she is a soldier's wife, and these people are generally loose characters;"--"What is it you say?" said the duke, who had just entered the room, "a soldier's wife; Pray, madam, what is your mistress? I desire that the woman may be immediately engaged."

MCLXIX.--NO JOKE.

A GENTLEMAN, finding his grounds trespassed on and robbed, set up a board in a most conspicuous situation, to scare offenders, by the notification that "Steel-traps and Spring-guns are set in these Grounds";--but finding that even this was treated with contempt, he caused to be painted, in very prominent letters, underneath,--"NO JOKE, BY THE LORD HARRY!" which had the desired effect.

MCLXX.--A GOOD LIKENESS.

A PERSON who had often teased another ineffectually for subscriptions to charitable undertakings, was one day telling him that he had just seen his picture. "And did you ask it for a subscription?" said the non-giver. "No, I saw no chance," replied the other; "it was so like you."

MCLXXI.--CUTTING AN ACQUAINTANCE.

GEORGE SELWYN, happening to be at Bath when it was nearly empty, was induced, for the mere purpose of killing time, to cultivate the acquaintance of an elderly gentleman he was in the habit of meeting at the Rooms. In the height of the following season, Selwyn encountered his old associate in St. James's street. He endeavored to pass unnoticed, but in vain. "What! don't you recollect me?" exclaimed the cuttee. "I recollect you perfectly," replied Selwyn; "and when I next go to Bath, I shall be most happy to become acquainted with you again."

MCLXXII.--VERY SHOCKING, IF TRUE.

AT a dinner-party, one of the guests used his knife improperly in eating. At length a wag asked aloud: "Have you heard of poor L----'s sad affair? I met him at a party yesterday, when to our great horror, he suddenly took up the knife, and----" "Good heavens!" interposed one of the ladies; "and did he cut his throat?"--"Why no," answered the relator, "he did not cut his throat with his knife; but we all expected he would, for he actually put it up to his mouth."

MCLXXIII.--IMPOSSIBLE IN THE EVENING.

THEODORE HOOK, about to be proposed a member of the Phoenix Club, inquired when they met. "Every Saturday evening during the winter," was the answer. "Evening? O then," said he, "I shall never make a Phoenix, for I can't rise from the fire."

MCLXXIV.--A GOOD APPETITE.

A NOBLEMAN had a house-porter who was an enormous eater. "Frank," said he, one day, "tell me how many loins you could eat?" "Ah, my lord, as for loins, not many; five or six at most."--"And how many legs of mutton?"--"Ah, as for legs of mutton, not many; seven or eight, perhaps."--"And fatted pullets?"--"Ah, as for pullets, my lord, not many; not more than a dozen."--"And pigeons?"--"Ah, as for pigeons, not many; perhaps forty--fifty at most--according to appetite."--"And larks?"--"Ah, as for that, my lord--little larks--for ever, my lord--for ever;"

MCLXXV.--SHORT-SIGHTED.

DEAN COWPER, of Durham, who was very economical of his wine, descanting one day on the extraordinary performance of a man who was blind, remarked, that the poor fellow could see no more than "that bottle."--"I do not wonder at it at all, sir," replied a minor canon, "for we have seen no more than 'that bottle' all the afternoon."

MCLXXVI.--AN ADVANTAGEOUS TITHE.

A'BECKETT once said, "It seems that anything likely to have an annual increase is liable to be tithed. Could not Lord S----, by virtue of this liability, contrive to get rid of a part of his stupidity?"

MCLXXVI I.--TRUTH versus POLITENESS.

AT a tea-party, where some Cantabs were present, the lady who was presiding "Hoped the tea was good."--"Very good, indeed, madam," was the general reply, till it came to the turn of one of the Cantabs, who, between truth and politeness observed, "That the tea was excellent, but the water was smoky;"

MCLXXVIII.--A NEW VIEW.

SOME people have a notion that villany ought to be exposed, though we must confess we think it a thing that deserves a hiding.

MCLXXIX.--THE ONE-SPUR HORSEMAN.

A STUDENT riding being jeered on the way for wearing but one spur, said that if one side of his horse went on, it was not likely that the other would stay behind.

[This is, no doubt, the original of the well-known passage in Hudibras,--

"For Hudibras wore but one spur;
As wisely knowing, could he stir
To active trot one side of 's horse," &c.]

MCLXXX.--A PHILOSOPHICAL REASON.

A SCHOLAR was asked why a black hen laid a white egg. He answered, "Unum contrarium expellit alterum."

MCLXXXI.--A PLAY UPON WORDS.

A POACHER was carried before a magistrate upon a charge of killing game unlawfully in a nobleman's park, where he was caught in the fact. Being asked what he had to say in his defence, and what proof he could bring to support it, he replied, "May it please your worship, I know and confess that I was found in his lordship's park, as the witness has told you, but I can bring the whole parish to prove that, for the last thirty years, it has been my manner."

MCLXXXII.--JEMMY GORDON.

JEMMY GORDON, the well-known writer of many a theme and declamation for varmint-men, alias non-reading Cantabs, having been complimented by an acquaintance on the result of one of his themes, to which the prize of a certain college was awarded, quaintly enough replied, "It is no great credit to be first in an ass-race."

MCLXXXIII.--SETTING UP AND SITTING DOWN.

SWIFT was one day in company with a young coxcomb, who, rising from his chair, said, with a conceited and confident air, "I would have you to know, Mr. Dean, I set up for a wit."--"Do you, indeed," replied the Dean; "Then take my advice, and sit down again."

MCLXXXIV.--A SETTLED POINT.

"A REFORMED Parliament," exclaimed a Conservative the other day, "will never do for this country."--"No! but an unreformed would, and that quickly," replied a bystander.

MCLXXXV.--JOLLY COMPANIONS.

A MINISTER in Aberdeenshire, sacrificed so often and so freely to the jolly god, that the presbytery could no longer overlook his proceedings, and summoned him before them to answer for his conduct. One of his elders, and constant companion in his social hours, was cited as a witness against him. "Well, John, did you ever see the Rev. Mr. C---- the worse of drink?"--"Weel, a wat no; I've monyatime seen him the better o't, but I ne'er saw him the waur o't."--"But did you never see him drunk?"--"That's what I'll ne'er see; for before he be half slockened, I'm ay' blind fu'."

MCLXXXVI.--PAYING IN KIND.

A CERTAIN Quaker slept at a hotel in a certain town. He was supplied with two wax candles. He retired early, and, as he had burned but a small part of the candles, he took them with him into his bedroom. In the morning, finding he was charged 2s. in his bill for wax candles, instead of fees to the waiter and chambermaid, he gave to each a wax candle.

MCLXXXVII.--A FULL HOUSE.

"WHAT plan," said an actor to another, "shall I adopt to fill the house at my benefit?"--"Invite your creditors," was the surly reply.

MCLXXXVIII.--RATHER THE WORST HALF.

ON one occasion a lad, while at home for the holidays, complained to his mother that a schoolfellow who slept with him took up half the bed. "And why not?" said the mother; "he's entitled to half, isn't he!"--"Yes, mother," rejoined her son; "but how would you like to have him take out all the soft for his half? He will have his half out of the middle, and I have to sleep both sides of him!"

MCLXXXIX.--FORCE OF HABIT.

A SERVANT of an old maiden lady, a patient of Dr. Poole, formerly of Edinburgh, was under orders to go to the doctor every morning to report the state of her health, how she had slept, &c., with strict injunctions always to add, "with her compliments." At length, one morning the girl brought this extraordinary message: "Miss S----'s compliments, and she de'ed last night at aicht o'clock!"

MCXC.--A WONDERFUL SIGHT.

A JOLLY Jack-tar having strayed into Atkins's show at Bartholomew Fair, to have a look at the wild beasts, was much struck with the sight of a lion and a tiger in the same den. "Why, Jack," said he to a messmate, who was chewing a quid in silent amazement, "I shouldn't wonder if next year they were to carry about a sailor and a marine living peaceably together;"--"Aye," said his married companion, "or a man and wife."

MCXCI.--BURKE AND FOX.

MR. BURKE, in speaking of the indisposition of Mr. Fox, which prevented his making a motion for an investigation into the conduct of Lord Sandwich, said, "No one laments Mr. Fox's illness more than I do; and I declare that if he should continue ill, the inquiry into the conduct of the first Lord of the Admiralty should not be proceeded upon; and, should the country suffer so serious a calamity as his death, it ought to be followed up earnestly and solemnly; nay, of so much consequence is the inquiry to the public, that no bad use would be made of the skin of my departed friend, (should such, alas! be his fate!) if, like that of John Zisca, it should be converted into a drum, and used for the purpose of sounding an alarm to the people of England."

MCXCII.--TRYING TO THE TEMPER.

LORD ALLEN, in conversation with Rogers, the poet, observed: "I never put my razor into hot water, as I find it injures the temper of the blade."--"No doubt of it," replied Rogers; "show me the blade that is not out of temper when plunged into hot water."

MCXCIII.--HAVING A CALL.

MR. DUNLOP, while making his pastoral visitations among some of the country members of his flock, came to a farm-house where he was expected; and the mistress, thinking that he would be in need of refreshment, proposed that he should take his tea before engaging in exercises, and said she would soon have it ready. Mr. Dunlop replied, "I aye tak' my tea better when my wark's dune. I'll just be gaun on. Ye can hing the pan on, an' lea' the door ajar, an' I'll draw to a close in the prayer when I hear the haam fizzin'."

MCXCIV.--A WILL AND AWAY.

IT was a strange instance of alleged obedience to orders in the case of a father's will, which a brute of a fellow displayed in turning his younger brother out-of-doors. He was vociferously remonstrated with by the neighbors on the gross impropriety of such conduct. "Sure," said he, "it's the will; I'm ordered to divide the house betune myself and my brother, so I've taken the inside and given him the outside."

MCXCV.--A WINDY MINISTER.

IN one of our northern counties, a rural district had its harvest operations seriously affected by continuous rains. The crops being much laid, wind was desired in order to restore them to a condition fit for the sickle. A minister, in his Sabbath services, expressed their wants in prayer as follows:--"Send us wind, no a rantin', tantin', tearin' wind, but a noohin' (noughin?), soughin', winnin' wind." More expressive words than these could not be found in any language.

MCXCVI.--READY RECKONER.

THE Duke of Wellington, when Premier, was the terror of the idlers in Downing Street. On one occasion when the Treasury clerks told him that some required mode of making up the accounts was impracticable, they were met with the curt reply: "Never mind, if you can't do it, I'll send you half-a-dozen pay sergeants that will,"--a hint that they did not fail to take.

MCXCVII.--A "DISTANT" FRIEND.

MEETING a negro on the road, a traveller said, "You have lost some of your friends, I see?"--"Yes, massa."--"Was it a near or a distant relative?"--"Well, purty distant,--'bout twenty-four mile," was the reply.

MCXCVIII.--TYPOGRAPHICAL WIT.

"HO! Tommy," bawls Type, to a brother in trade,
"The ministry are to be changed, it is said."
"That's good," replied Tom, "but it better would be
With a trifling erratum."--"What?"--"Dele the c."

MCXCIX.--A NAMELESS MAN.

A GENTLEMAN, thinking he was charged too much by a porter for the delivery of a parcel, asked him what his name was. "My name," replied the man, "is the same as my father's."--"And what is his name?" said the gentleman. "It is the same as mine."--"Then what are both your names?"--"Why, they are both alike," answered the man again, and very deliberately walked off.

MCC.--AN INSURMOUNTABLE DIFFICULTY.

BOOTH, the tragedian, had a broken nose. A lady once remarked to him, "I like your acting, Mr. Booth; but, to be frank with you,--I can't get over your nose;"--"No wonder, madam," replied he, "the bridge is gone!"

MCCI.--NON COMPOS.

IT is remarkable that ---- is of an exceedingly cheerful disposition, though the very little piece of mind he possesses is proverbial.

MCCII.--TOO LIBERAL.

A WRITER in one of the Reviews was boasting that he was in the habit of distributing literary reputation. "Yes," replied his friend, "and you have done it so profusely that you have left none for yourself."

MCCIII.--A LITTLE RAIN.

HOW monarchs die is easily explained,
For thus upon their tombs it might be chiselled;
As long as George the Fourth could reign, he reigned,
And then he mizzled;

MCCIV.--TRUE DIGNITY.

P---- had a high respect for the literary character. At a great man's house a stranger stopped that P---- might enter the room before him. "Pass, sir," said the master of the house, "it is only Mr. P----, the author."--"As my rank is mentioned," cried P., "I shall claim the preference"; and accordingly took the lead.

MCCV.--HOW TO GET RID OF AN ENEMY.

DR. MEAD, calling one day on a gentleman who had been severely afflicted with the gout, found, to his surprise, the disease gone, and the patient rejoicing on his recovery over a bottle of wine. "Ah!" said the doctor, shaking his head, "this Madeira will never do; it is the cause of all your suffering."--"Well, then," rejoined the gay incurable, "fill your glass, for now we have found out the cause, the sooner we get rid of it the better."

MCCVI.--SEVERE.

A LADY asked a sailor whom she met, why a ship was called "she." The son of Neptune replied that it was "because the rigging cost more than the hull."

MCCVII.--NO SACRIFICE.

A LINEN-DRAPER having advertised his stock to be sold under prime cost, a neighbor observed that, "It was impossible, as he had never paid a farthing for it himself."

MCCVIII.--SHARP BOY.

A MOTHER admonishing her son (a lad about seven years of age), told him he should never defer till to-morrow what he could do to-day. The little urchin replied, "Then, mother, let's eat the remainder of the plum-pudding to-night."

MCCIX.--EARLY BIRDS OF PREY.

A MERCHANT having been attacked by some thieves at five in the afternoon, said: "Gentlemen, you open shop early to-day."

MCCX.--JUDGMENT.

JAMES THE SECOND, when Duke of York, made a visit to Milton the poet, and asked him, amongst other things, if he did not think the loss of his sight a judgment upon him for what he had written against his father, Charles the First. Milton answered, "If your Highness think my loss of sight a judgment upon me, what do you think of your father's losing his head?"

MCCXI.--ON A LADY WHO WAS PAINTED.

IT sounds like paradox,--and yet 'tis true,
You're like your picture, though it's not like you.

MCCXII.--RATHER A-CURATE.

IT is strange that the Church dignitaries, the further they advance in their profession, become the more incorrigible; at least, before they have gone many steps, they may be said to be past a CURE.

MCCXIII.--MONEY'S WORTH.

A RICH upstart once asked a poor person if he had any idea of the advantages arising from riches. "I believe they give a rogue an advantage over an honest man," was the reply.

MCCXIV.--THE RICHMOND HOAX.

ONE of the best practical jokes in Theodore Hook's clever "Gilbert Gurney," is Daly's hoax upon the lady who had never been at Richmond before, or, at least, knew none of the peculiarities of the place. Daly desired the waiter, after dinner, to bring some "maids of honor"--those cheesecakes for which the place has, time out of mind, been celebrated. The lady stared, then laughed, and asked, "What do you mean by 'maids of honor?'"--"Dear me!" said Daly, "don't you know that this is so courtly a place, and so completely under the influence of state etiquette, that everything in Richmond is called after the functionaries of the palace? What are called cheesecakes elsewhere, are here called maids of honor; a capon is called a lord chamberlain; a goose is a lord steward; a roast pig is a master of the horse; a pair of ducks, grooms of the bedchamber; a gooseberry-tart, a gentleman usher of the black rod; and so on." The unsophisticated lady was taken in, when she actually saw the maids of honor make their appearance in the shape of cheesecakes; she convulsed the whole party by turning to the waiter, and desiring him, in a sweet but decided tone, to bring her a gentleman usher of the black rod, if they had one in the house quite cold!

MCCX.V.--LORD CHATHAM.

LORD CHATHAM had settled a plan for some sea expedition he had in view, and sent orders to Lord Anson to see the necessary arrangements taken immediately. Mr. Cleveland was sent from the Admiralty to remonstrate on the impossibility of obeying them. He found his lordship in the most excruciating pain, from one of the most severe fits of the gout he had ever experienced. "Impossible, sir," said he, "don't talk to me of impossibilities": and then, raising himself upon his legs, while the sweat stood in large drops upon his forehead, and every fibre of his body was convulsed with agony, "Go, sir, and tell his lordship, that he has to do with a minister who actually treads on impossibilities."

MCCXVI.--"I CAN GET THROUGH." IN the cloisters of Trinity College, beneath the library, are grated windows, through which many of the students have occasionally, after the gates were locked, taken the liberty of passing, without an exeat, in rather a novel style. A certain Cantab was in the act of drawing himself through the bars, and being more than an ordinary mortal's bulk, he stuck fast. One of the fellows of the college passing, stepped up to the student and asked him ironically, "If he should assist him?"--"Thank you," was the reply, "I can get through;" at the same instant he drew himself back on the outside.

MCCXVII.--MAKING FREE.

FORMERLY, members of parliament had the privilege of franking letters sent by post. When this was so, a sender on one occasion applied to the post-office to know why some of his franked letters had been charged. He was told that the name on the letter did not appear to be in his handwriting. "It was not," he replied, "precisely the same; but the truth is, I happened to be a little tipsy when I franked them."--"Then, sir, will you be so good in future as to write drunk when you make free?"

MCCXVIII.--FICTION AND TRUTH.

WALLER, the poet, who was bred at King's College, wrote a fine panegyric on Cromwell, when he assumed the protectorship. Upon the restoration of Charles, Waller wrote another in praise of him, and presented it to the king in person. After his majesty had read the poem, he told Waller that he wrote a better on Cromwell. "Please your majesty," said Waller, like a true courtier, "we poets are always more happy in fiction than in truth."

MCCXIX.--A TAVERN DINNER.

A PARTY of bon-vivants, having drunk an immense quantity of wine, rang for the bill. The bill was accordingly brought, but the amount appeared so enormous to one of the company (not quite so far gone as the rest) that he stammered out, it was impossible so many bottles could have been drunk by seven persons. "True, sir," said the waiter, "but your honor forgets the three gentlemen under the table."

MCCXX.--A FULL STOP.

A GENTLEMAN was speaking of the kindness of his friends in visiting him. One old aunt, in particular, visited him twice a year, and stayed six months each time.

MCCXXI.--FAT AND LEAN.

A MAN, praising porter, said it was so excellent a beverage, that, though taken in great quantities, it always made him fat. "I have seen the time," said another, "when it made you lean,"--"When? I should be glad to know," inquired the eulogist. "Why, no longer ago than last night,--against a wall."

MCCXXII.--SELF-CONDEMNATION.

JOSEPH II., emperor of Germany, travelling in his usual way, without his retinue, attended by only a single aide-de-camp, arrived very late at the house of an Englishman, who kept an inn in the Netherlands. After eating a few slices of ham and biscuit, the emperor and his attendant retired to rest, and in the morning paid their bill, which amounted to only three shillings and sixpence, English, and rode off. A few hours afterwards, several of his suite arrived, and the publican, understanding the rank of his guest, appeared very uneasy. "Psha! psha! man," said one of the attendants, "Joseph is accustomed to such adventures, and will think no more of it."--"But I shall" replied the landlord; "and never forgive myself for having had an emperor in my house, and letting him off for three and sixpence."

MCCXXIII.--NICKNAMES.

JOHN MAGEE, formerly the printer of the Dublin Evening Post, was full of shrewdness and eccentricity. Several prosecutions were instituted against him by the government, and many "keen encounters of the tongue" took place on these occasions between him and John Scott, Lord Clonmel, who was at that period Chief Justice of the King's Bench. In addressing the Court in his own defence, Magee had occasion to allude to some public character, who was better known by a familiar designation. The official gravity of Clonmel was disturbed; and he, with bilious asperity, reproved the printer, by saying, "Mr. Magee, we allow no nicknames in this court,"---"Very well, John Scott," was the reply.

MCCXXIV.--A CALCULATION.

AFTER the death of the poet Chatterton, there was found among his papers, indorsed on a letter intended for publication, addressed to Beckford, then Lord Mayor, dated May 26, 1770, the following memorandum: "Accepted by Bingley, set for, and thrown out of, the North Briton, 21st June, on account of the Lord Mayor's death:--

Lost by his death on this essay £ 1 11 6
Gained in elegies 2 2 0
Gained in essays 3 3 0
Am glad he is dead by 3 13 6."

Yet the evident heartlessness of this calculation has been ingeniously vindicated by Southey, in the Quarterly Review.

MCCXXV.--ON THE PRICE OF ADMISSION TO SEE THE MAMMOTH HORSE.

I WOULD not pay a coin to see
An animal much larger;
Surely the mammoth horse must be
Rather an overcharger.

MCCXXVI.--NOTHING BUT HEBREW.

A CANTAB chanced to enter a strange church, and after he had been seated some little time, another person was ushered into the same pew with him. The stranger pulled out of his pocket a prayer-book, and offered to share it with the Cantab, though he perceived he had one in his hand. This courtesy proceeded from a mere ostentatious display of his learning, as it proved to be in Latin. The Cantab immediately declined the offer by saying, "Sir, I read nothing but Hebrew;"

MCCXXVII.--A GOOD RECOMMENDATION.

WHEN Captain Grose, who was very fat, first went over to Ireland, he one evening strolled into the principal meat market of Dublin, where the butchers, as usual, set up their usual cry of "What d'ye buy? What d'ye buy?" Grose parried this for some time by saying he did not want anything. At last, a butcher starts from his stall, and eyeing Grose's figure, exclaimed, "Only say you buy your meat of me, sir, and you will make my fortune."

MCCXXVIII.--QUID PRO QUO.

AN Irish lawyer, famed for cross-examining, was, on one occasion, completely silenced by a horse-dealer. "Pray, Mr. ----, you belong to a very honest profession?"--"I can't say so," replied the witness; "for, saving you lawyers, I think it the most dishonest going."

MCCXXIX.--SERVANTS.

IT was an observation of Elwes, the noted miser, that if you keep one servant your work will be done; if you keep two, it will be half done; and if you keep three, you will have to do it yourself.